A Dream I Had

The past is fixed.
A blown kiss frozen in the winter air
We leave ourselves
Turn away from what once was
Twist and turn in our bed begging for the good dreams
Leering faces greet me at the crossroad
Whispering "don't go there"
I watch my friend jump into the river
Count the seconds for him to come up for air.

Horrified, I attempt to run
But am held back from the voices
These voices not coming from any particular direction
All around me, everywhere
They rain down on me as I struggle to stand under the weight of the words

"You cannot run from your past. It will chase and haunt you. In order to free yourself from these chains you must adjust your perspective. The past is fixed. It's meaning and signifigance can be altered, however. Freedom isn't easy. There are those that ran and died for freedom. Dangerous rivers and barren fields covered in landmines dotted their path. Your freedom is much more difficult to attain."

"Freedom of mind" I say matter of factly. Watching the words slide out of my mouth.

"Yes. Once you close your eyes at night your subconcious will take over and make decisions for you. This is a deeper side of yourself. Power that lies in the dark folds of your brain. Explore it, the answers lie beyond.."

"It's the knowledge that will save us all. To know love. To feel love"
"To know love to feel love"
"To know love to feel love"
"To know love to feel love"
 I cover my mouth, not simply to stop the words, but in the horror of what is appearing before me.

My friend drifts facedown in the river. 

 -D

Mountains

Cold stares once thawed
Soft eyes glimmering in the summer sun
Harsh words once soft kisses along your collarbone
Shaking hands with my cigarette I never smoke
Curled together on a dark night we barely spoke
Unecessary, the onlookers say
But don't you see? It had to be this way
Because we built mountains, you and I
Mountains that touched the sky
And mountains make a scene when they come crashing down
They shake the ground
Pushing some together with love and forcing fear to pull others apart

 -D

Mixtape Monday

XV's Popular Culture

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From The Vault-I'll Never Forget

I wrote this four years ago.

I'll never forget.,
Your false blame: Sending me out in the rain with no umbrella. Smacking me when I come home wet. This is the atmosphere that you created. It was your cold touch that I always hated. Through the years I grew from a boy to a man. And instead of understanding and accepting I pushed the thoughts under the carpet. Shoulda known they'd resurface. Shoulda known I'd never forget. It's all out on the table now and im hungry for answers. You'll stand trial and serve your time. The counsellors have been kind. They say you need a hobby, gotta occupy the mind. So I laced my sneakers and ran a mile with a pained smile. Around every corner I see your face. My hearts fucking with my head. Memories holding me back while I struggle to get ahead. I want to break free from the crowd. It's so loud and sweaty. I got my fists raised to the world. You can bet I'm ready. The leaves are falling now. The wind whistles aganist my window. The voices are calling now. The youth look for some kind of representation. Bottle to my lips, I wonder why they chose me. Although it's true not much else can faze me. You can knock me out, drag me through the streets and tase me. But don't get it twisted

 -Dev

Roundabout Of Love

"I'm seeing other people"
She said with defiant eyes
Those kind of eyes that could tell no lies
There was no hidden joke
No background disguise
It took me awhile to take it in and realize
Back out of the room I'm stuttering
Walk around downtown muttering
They think i'm crazy
Can't help but agree, reality getting hazy
Can't seperate want from need
To let it all go, or succumb to the greed
Officer stops me saying "You look like you've walked a hard road"
I looked at him and said "I've scuffed these shoes on the roundabout of love and back"
"And if you don't mind me saying sir, so have you, so have we all, so join me for a cold beer and snack"
There were no calls that night
No hearts broken
But the sirens always ring in the distance
Mothers of the sons hold their hearts in hand
And pray the night brings their boys back.
From the roundabout of love

-Dev

Devil In The Hallway (Full)

 Devil in the hallway offers me a price
I think for a moment and then she's grabbing me by the arm
"I miss us"
And for some reason I believe it all
Stumbling backwards into a room
The memories familiar but she tastes new
Realization that nothing can be the same
How can I keep it up with all the questions racing through my head
My fingers burn along her back
But the pain is the familiar and I can't pull away
Thrusting myself further into sinful pleasures
Her face changing, the air changing, becoming thick
A moan? A laugh?
I'm hearing both at the same time
The devil is laughing at me and i'm running, running
Down the never ending hallway
Get me out, out of this deal
Can I escape?
The time I flirted with the past and it accepted.
Only nothing can be the same
No matter how much of your soul you're willing to let go
Let the past burn and let's run
Run away from this place

 When they made love she looked into the mirror behind him
And the eyes that looked back were not hers
She had become a stranger to herself
A whisper passed through the winter wind
Liberation
Of the mind and sexuality
Casual sex with a strange reality
Nails dug deep
Make up runs down her face after he leaves
Uncertain foundations
If only she could hold on
To remind him that she meant well
But inside herself, a battle
Two sides of herself, a battle
Between the lust and logic of the mind
Craving less sense and more magic
But how much of the soul will she lose in the process
Down the never ending hallway she runs
Past the flames that seemed to spark in his eyes
Smolder in his touch
Burn it all down, she agrees
"Just take me with you"

-D.R

 
 

What I See

I hate the system but too tired after work to raise a fuss
and that's how they get us
work hard you'll get what you deserve is what they tell us
but they forge cheques
no bank behind what they sell us
speeding away too rich for tickets while you slave and later ride the bus
socio economic class plays on my mind while I study late at night hoping to pass
hoping to pass
and this isn't just me
in class I look around me
see a young mother, a father of three
all of a sudden the test means more than just grades
i feel the importance an a or b or c can mean to escape poverty
and then later I work
dishwashers, line cooks, servers, and management
we sit around at the bar after work drinking booze we can't afford just to be around those who understand our vent
calls to my mother I can't fake it
she can tell I can't take it
tells me calm down take it day by day you'll make it.

Haven't had a girl in awhile
Then again haven't had myself
Bloodshot eyes in a smudged mirror
Apartment a mess of unfinished poems
Huge stack of wishes and dishes







-D

Devil In The Hallway

Devil in the hallway offers me a price
I think for a moment and then she's grabbing me by the arm
"I miss us"
And for some reason I believe it all
Stumbling backwards into a room
The memories familiar but she tastes new
Realization that nothing can be the same
How can I keep it up with all the questions racing through my head
My fingers burn along her back
But the pain is the familiar and I can't pull away
Thrusting myself further into sinful pleasures
Her face changing, the air changing, becoming thick
A moan? A laugh?
I'm hearing both at the same time
The devil is laughing at me and i'm running, running
Down the never ending hallway
Get me out, out of this deal
Can I escape?
The time I flirted with the past and it accepted.
Only nothing can be the same
No matter how much of your soul you're willing to let go
Let the past burn and let's run
Run away from this place

-D.R

Apollo Brown feat. O.C. - Trophies (full album)

Evil Stick

Late night internet

The David Ramsay Controversy

A look back at a case I found particularly disturbing.

Part 1



Part 2






Ramsay's creepy smile gets me everytime.

Florence + The Machine - Over The Love

Hold your hands over your ears and listen

Some people will recommend where to go in life
Dictate your route
Tell you where to go when you're bleeding out
After life stuck you with a knife
And the shit people say fills the ears
But they don't share your tears or fears
When it comes to advice, understand their words are a slice
Of a million perspectives and electives
In the middle of the night we have only our choices and dreams to hold tight
Maybe a lover if you're lucky
Or in the mood for heartbreak
Inspiration isn't something one can fake
So if you're going to spit dogma
Let it be your own faith
This has been a psa
Ironically asking you to listen to what I have to say
At the end of this poem go back to the start
You'll see what I mean

-D.R

Couchside Conversations Vol 1

I'll give you my whole heart
But can those small hands juggle my past
The future?
As the fury of love attempts a quick escape in the winter wind
I'm forcing the door closed, can you come help me?
Life in different directions.
I hold hands with strangers at intersections
Hoping the incoming lights of love leads us to where we need to go
Beautifully blessed. Broke in Paris
You'll let me enjoy your body, never your art.

I'd try to convince you in our couchside conversations
"It's just not ready yet"
"For...me?"
"For anyone really, I guess the time will come to unveil that part of myself"
"I hope you can trust me"
"Trust is largely irrelevant to me"
"Explain?"
"Well trust is a present feeling that relies on notions of the past and future. I want to live in the here, the now, without thinking of those things. All I know is you, right now, others may have fooled me. But I refuse to fool myself with trust, the past, or the future."

And just like that, trust was whisked away with a wave of her hand. We sat there and talked some more. But behind my casual conversation was a burning desire to have all of her. The totality of her mind proved just as alluring as the curves under her sun dress. Patience would be key. But I was a small child stuck in a dark room. Attempting to brave the unknown while fumbling for the light, the answer. Her voice, the mystery...

-D


 

Enabling Negativity

A co-worker the other was commenting on negative people and the bad karma they tend to bring about themselves. It prompted a blog post.

In my view bad karma is something that is built over time. People exist within this negative bubble that tends to spread over time. Good people are thrown aside or have walked away on their own accord. And negative people join this bubble to create a larger negative envrironment. And negative people build an environment that suits them. In the same way that postive people tend to magnetize positive people and positive experiences, negative people do the same.

All of this couldn't be possible without enablers. Because negative environments are largely volatile and unhealthy. Often you will hear negative people complaining and showing at least a desire for change. But it never seems to go anywhere. Enablers act as people that enable negative behaviour due to bonds such as friendship or family. Sometimes tough love is needed. But those who wallow in self pity and constantly play the blame game tend not to receive "tough love". They could very well have those around them that love them quite a bit. But people need to be told they are being fucking idiots.

And to further complicate this problem..people get harder to change the older they get. Tough love is a good early prevention strategy. It is a support system that can create self-responsibility and a humble ego. But as people age they don't receive tough love as easily. Rather, "tough love" becomes "haters" and "jealous people" who often have well meaning criticism.

Karma: The snowball effect. Built over time with the larger snowball being rolled by multiple people called enablers.

Just some thoughts.

-D

Delayed Childhood...Nowadays

Nowadays
I go for walks at night
And find myself at the park with a can in my hand
Swings used to be for swinging
But now they are for thinking
As my feet dangle and draw figures in the gravel
Those days the future was the only thing
Now the past seems to dominate my thought
Oh little one how I've learned and lost at the same time
How i've kissed and missed all the girls you used to dream of
In pitch black I took in albums and imagined myself in armour
Saving their lives just to make them see
That maybe little old me could be the one they want

Guess the split didn't hurt as much
The years passed and formed a kind of crutch
Cause that's just the way things always were
I saw you much less than him
And when I did head over
You were laying in bed
Sometimes I'd crawl in
At a young age I didn't understand the ruts of life we fall in
Schedules and overnights
Voices raised in hopeless fights
Inside my room there was a cruel book
All about sons and dads and the love they share
It was fucking cruel whoever put that in my room
Because all I did was look and compare

Nowadays
Drink too much
Am I weak?
Think too much
A hard truth we may all have to accept
That we've leaned too long on the past as a crutch
My mother telling me about childhood delayed.
I'm just glad I haven't had to witness no more tears at an airport gate
Nowadays I know i'll see you momma i'll see you again
Back then I didn't understand the politics of divorce
I learned at a young age to sit up at night and let the pain run its course
Calming down my bedsheets no longer muffle my cries
A grown man with a silly smile enjoying the cool fall air and starry skies

My childhood delayed

-D.R

Love In Eyes-Excerpt

Truth burning as it comes up and gets choked back down
Red hot, don't hold my old sentiments against me
Fights causing rifts, I can jump over majority of the time
One time I fell short, fingers barely grasping reality
Your long hair dangled, those long legs dangled, neon coloured hands held my fate
"You must accept what you can't understand"
All these answers I've sought meant nothing
Face in books
Travelled the world and back
To discover meaningless love
There are those who'll try to explain it
On the street corner for a buck or two they'll even frame it
And you can stare at the wall clutching what you once had
Sentiments comfort some
They drive me crazy

-Dev

A Day Inside The Mind

Letting Things Get To Me

Last night I furiously deleted the "dating" app Tinder. And by furiously I mean I pressed the icon down and waited for the promt clarifying the delete to which I responded with a YES YES FUCK YES.

Now, this post really has nothing to do with poor Tinder. I'm not bashing online dating in any form. If the shoe fits, wear it. I mean..I tried to wear that shoe and it didn't fit me. But I tried.

This post is more about my reaction afterwards. Because let's be honest. If tinder was working for me, i'd probably still be using it. And why didn't it work for me? Well it probably doesn't work for a whole lot of people. I don't know..I didn't get matches. It's fucking silly. But..

I was upset about it and then became upset at myself for being upset..get it? And I did ask solemnly out loud..

"Why do I let things bother me so much?" 

I DO let things bother me a lot. And i've never been able to control it. I've heard all the advice. Read all the inspirational blogs. Read pick up artist books ("The Game" is actually a pretty good read, but not to be taken seriously). Gone on random vacations. The list goes on and on..but the emotional side of me never leaves.

And it's probably a case of "you can't have one without the other". Would I even be writing this blog if I had a nice hard emotionless shell around me? I probably wouldn't be conflicted. I'd be sleeping right now instead of heating up a pre cooked stuffed chicken breast and cracking into a king can of moosehead beer.

Lately i've been trying to calm myself down. I need something in my life. Because pursuing someONE to fill that space is super unhealthy. Nobody needs the burden of being your empty space. But hmm, something needs to be done.

And there we are. No actual conclusion made. But you know what? I'm going to TRY to be less fucking crazy.

But in the end my poems and my dreams taunt me with a life I don't have yet.

Ps-If you're reading this mom. No i'm not going to jump off a bridge.

-Dev

The Unfriend Dilemma

Recently an old friend of mine deleted me off facebook.

And in my head i'm going "I shouldn't care, I shouldn't care, I shouldn't care!"

Becaus that's what we are told, right? That we shouldn't care about social media despite using it so much. We shouldn't care about opinions, politics, and emotions on social media. However, in my opinion this comprises social media and what makes it so addictive.

It's hard to be involved and yet..seperated. And the digital snub known as the "unfriend" speaks towards a larger issue. Well, you've drifted from this person. But why then do they still have 50 of my mutual friends who were less familiar with them?

Now here's a moment of insecurity on my part. I'm on the net a lot. And i'm speaking my mind a lot. I share lots of what some could say controversial material. There's no filter there, as my mom loves to remind me.

So sometimes I feel that I offend people. And as tragic as this may sound..it has quieted me down. For better or for worse I don't act the same way I used to.

What do we do with the unfriend? I'm abhorred by the idea of confronting them. I feel like it's a situation where you have to open ones eyes and see the reality.

It's time to move on.

And I know it's just a stupid site and it's social media AND I SHOULDN'T CARE...but I do. And it sucks.

Ever find yourself wishing people the best. As they leave you alone in the room?

-Dev

 

Rainy Sunday

Untitled

You lost everything without realizing...


Idle eyes wander in this class I probably won't pass

The big man with even bigger lies
I'm doing the best to join the dark corner of the room
But it's all a disguise
I'm going to shove him after school
Create a little animosity for love
You're such a fool
You said while cleaning my wounds
Feet dangling off the edge of the dock
Toes just brushing the water
My parents aren't home she said
Come for a swim
Forget about him she said
she was a cruel daughter
Still I followed the curves and smile
And fell in love halfway to the bottom covered in water
And when you look up the sky shimmers and sparkles
Fireworks and sweaty hands because you're afraid
High fives in the locker room cause I got laid
Or so I said
Truth was much better
We fell asleep in eachothers arms
And nobody can take that moment from me
That night in that bed

-D

Blackstar's "Respiration" ft Common

My god I love this track. It never gets old. And today I was thinking of it while riding the bus. Especially Common's verse:

"Some days I take the bus home, just to touch home"

I mean, the bus is a plethora of scents. Including stale booze, body odour and a little too much cologne. But damn, are these not my people? Maybe it's the way we all bump and bob to the bumpy Winnipeg roads. Subject to the confine of the commute. But I feel connected with these folks. I figure at some point i'll bow to the pressure of society and purchase a vehicle. Will I lose a sense of connection?

Often this idea comes to me in a different form. I used to to a lot of skateboarding and when you skateboard you are at street level. There is just a different vibe that comes from pushing yourself around on a bumpy skateboard. Subject to all sorts of things including bumps, bobs, rocks, muggings, smiles, fresh air and the list goes on and on. I used to think "I'm at street level, I see different things this way"

"Some days I take the bus home, just to touch home" 

To touch home. To connect. Do we care? As we honk and holler and blindly swerve into opposing lanes..are we connected? It certainly is a world away from holding bus doors open, helping people across the street, and let's not forget that random smile that random conversation.

On a side note this song is one of those songs that I cannot exactly give credit to one artist for. Sure the official title is Blackstar ft Common. But each artist (mos def, talib kweli and common) all bring a unique sense of story to the song. It's impossible for me to give credit to any single person. Although i'm slightly biased towards Common on this one.

-Dev

The Wake Up Series-Book Of Life

"How's it going devon?"

Not enthused steadily boozed up
Tv glare on my face, I need glasses
Key to life, I need backstage passes
Some that get it usher from behind the gate
I'm helpless letting those that don't know, control
Standing naked on the podium for them to deliberate and rate
One through ten my only friend is the pen
Cliche says the critics
Fast I run past the cynics
Jam a little lytics play with wordplay because a new day is a new day and a run on sentence never has sore feet
Love your body girl, hate to see the signs of defeat
Slouched shoulders as you apply the makeup
Life far from a game, life love and blood raised the stakes up
Childish games once harmless take the form of russian roulette
The mind doesn't always side with us because try as you try you'll never forget
How fucking good that kiss felt outside dippin dots
"Oh you got a little on your face hehe"
"Oh, where? There? No..there..there..there"
You got it but what a mess eitherway

What a mess eitherway

Sometimes I fall in holes come in contact with lost souls they scream and shout and pull at my jacket
Leaving messages on your phone voice fucked up what's the racket?
Tried to rob the wine store with a screwdriver under my shirt
Store clerk saw right through me, it was the doubt
He yanked the tool right from me
Need a fix?
He says the long hours prevent creative expression
And it would do well for me to take this
What's the..?"
The book of life take a lesson
Sure enough I fell through the pages
Like that old game myst



-Dev

Justice Over Wine

Driving fast with flames and pitchforks behind us
Breaking past the clouds
We are the vigilantes
Forbidden love amongst the church rows
Book in your lap
Cool prarie wind on your toes
Passing notes read my scripture
Lost love fucked us all up
But some say she had it worst
It ripped her
Into different people
Calm during daylight
Wild with a bottle hanging off the steeple at night

-D

Steel Bat Girl

And she told me that his eyes went dead
At first she noticed the photographs
They were coal coloured orbs that once shone
And later, his embrace lacked life
She'd bury herself into his arms looking for what once was
Holding herself tight aganist his chest pressing her ear to his heart listening for a beat
But he was the cold linoleum of the bay mannequins leering at her in consumer chaos
One night he left bed in the middle of the night
And judging by the way he walked she would never follow
When the sun rose she crept down the hallway in her bright red night gown
Only to find he had turned to stone with a photograph of an ex lover shoved tight in his closed fist
She tried and tried to pull it out but to no avail
She stood there for awhile, toes curled tight around the shag carpet.
After pouring a coffee and standing under the shower for exactly an hour
She haggled a steel bat from the neighborhood kids
The deal was she'd do a little twist and turn to satisfy their just emerged horny minds
If you looked outside at this time you'd see quite the sight
A fiery spirit in a party dress walking in a pair of doc walkers dragging a steel bat
Afterwards the neighborhood heard the sounds of smashing and crashing
So much destruction

"She must be doing some kind of renovating"
Remarked the always calculated always controlled mother of the now emerging into puberty boys

You're damn right she was renovating.

-Dev

Saudade# - JUJU - Compiled by Pandeiro (FULL)

Let life wash over you. It is not something you can grab and hold. Energies exist and they must be noted. For better or for worse I feel it all. Fall came quick, the chill is in the air. Find your lovers or find yourself.

-D

The Wake Up Series-Lost Lover

Love is the battlefield and i'm the reporter ducking for cover
Watching the airport clear out waiting for a lost lover
The guards looking at me crazy but she might come through that gate
And we can just drive off into the sunset on a blank slate
A Manitoba rock carved with initials from our first date

And I don't mean to intrude but you are the reason I stand in this long coffee shop line I can't stand
I'm a little tired and your tired and we both struggle to meet the cash demand
Kinda figured we could both use a warm place to rub our feet at the end of the day
And soft whispers in each others ears
"Everythings going to be ok"

"Devon, devon, wake up!"

Twists & Turns

A mother braids a flower into her daughters hair
And i'm fascinated by the twists and turns of their life together
The webs we weave to comfort each other during stormy weather
I chose to live and live and live despite a dull heartbeat I said the words to keep you around
Now i'm up at night writing this while you sleep without a sound
Little boys let me tell you about love.
Love and ego don't mix
Lose the closed fist and think of the things you'll miss.
By acting the role of playboy you're faker than a brand name toy at the swap meet
Everything breaks down when you build a foundation on lies and deceit.

And sometimes you might put your heart on the line.
She won't even text back.
But you took a shot in the dark boy don't forget that
A freethrow with everyone watching so don't even stress that, don't even obsess that

 -Dev

A Source Of Inspiration

Walking around downtown the homeless stick out like sore thumbs.
Another million earned with tax dollars while a childs dreams flickers and fades like a light in the slums.
And the connection between jesus and a big mac is the fact that half of us can't stop eating it up.
Hungry for dark power like a roofie in a girls cup.
The truth was hushed. A crushed tape in a back alley
Some use sex as a means to control
Some pursue one night stands in search of soul
Some burn a bowl
We often hesitate to cross shaky bridges
Acting as our own troll with a billyclub
I know many lives could be saved with a simple hug and back rub
Never judging I can't hold the weight of no gavel
We all know pain
All scuffed our knees on gravel
Some with parental figures present.
Others passed
But my heart goes out to those with loved ones that just hover in the room as living ghosts.
In a burning hotel room I sit.
A radio plays in the background.
And we face these moments at times.
To run away or face the music.

Stay strong my friends.
peace & love
dev

The Pain

Well I had a rather bad day today.
But writing this made me feel better.

Old demons from my past wait in warm spots on a stormy day
I'm away from the rain face to face with old pain
Side to side my shuffle my head we go side to side
Thinking of things to say
To those who could never put down the bottle
I dont criticize with a smile
I wonder could I help you?
If you help me...
Because you see that pain is a relative we all share
Showing up in the worst of family occasions
To knock over the cake and spike the punch
To be yelled at and ushered out, but never understood
You see, we don't examine our pain or embrace our pain
We simply shove it away until it returns, rears its ugly head on a different day
What to do with pain that can't be wrapped up and kissed away by our mothers and fathers
It lingers as an angry cloud
To me,
One must do their best to be creative and love others despite such pain.
Because how could we ever let the past define our future.
It has past and we must face ahead.

Just some thoughts.
peace & love

-Dev

Feel It Out

I'm not letting myself into you
Because what if
And who knew
The answer never clear between
pain & love
Could I get a heads up?
Tired of buying mile high bottles of wine
Combing my hair, doing my best to shine
Invite you into my home, my shrine
So you can let me know someone else is better
I stay cold with a july sweater
Downing bottles and breathing deep on the blunt to forget her
Whatever, the story everyone tells
But I let em sit there and spill it out
Just..don't..go 
So fast girl feel it out

Just..don't..go
So fast girl feel it out
Imma Grab a pen let me write it out
As far as the pain goes i'm a poet, I wrote it
You thought playing the role of the bar fly chasing a new guy would bring a new high
Nope!
Still walked home alone staring up at the sky
Vision blurry, tears in your eyes
That short dress a disguise
Coming a long way from hugging mothers thighs
Neon shoes criss crossed with fantasies
We used to tie em up
And chase eachother through mile high blades of grass
It was all so limitless at the time
But the sky does change
From a clear blue to swirling clouds of stormy skies
And i'm backed up in the corner with my lies
I don't wish for much, just a little rewind
So I could keep that last time we fucked on my mind
I should say something like make love
But love didn't stand tall when push came to shove
So we fucked and i'm tired of swearing about it
But I swear on it and you spin around an empty ballroom in a multicoulored dress
Oh, you flaunt it
I feel the real world tugging at my eyes and all I can say is
Just..don't..go
So fast girl feel it out.

Just..don't..go
So fast girl feel it out


peace & love

-Dev

Heartbreak Bottles

Endless bottles devoted to heartbreak
through my mothers hands I used to snake
fingers since devoted to playing with your hair
staring into the night sky without a care
it's holding on and letting go at the same time
passions with comfort of preserved heart
because that can't fall apart
and we can't fall apart
through blind eyes I saw the world for what it was
a dark place illuminated by your touch
so when we clash tongues
let it be less in anger
and more under the cascade of a morning shower

-Dev

 

Pushing Jesus

Faith fell off the curb I was pushing jesus thrusting my hands in the sky in a desperate search for why.
A child gasps at war, the voice carried through the wind of gods sigh.
This matters, this matters, listen closely to the whispers of those in pain they need our light. We also have much to gain.
Religious violence hard on my brain. I don't want to accept it but whenever I speak out i'm told to hush and respect it. They say don't love another until you love yourself. In regards to god why do we put that sentiment on the shelf?

Other faiths don't have much to say except "come to me". Salvation offered for a moderately priced one time fee. Hands clutching crosses while children drown in blood. Reality ignored while a soldier lays face down in the mud. Did he die in vain?

He did he died in vain he died in vain the voice rings around my head.
I seek survivors because life tastes different when you should already be dead.

-Dev

 

Freeverse

Just some freeverse I did last night. Love this style of writing despite it's lack of an overall direction. It is amazing to see where the mind goes.

mama don't like the big dreams
too complicated with hero fantasies and poetic verse
the plan is success before the hearse
but let me be clear i'll never accept life as a curse
never sweating over small things like cash or sleek clothes
he was a prophet, offered riches, and rose
above it all
tell my child to stand tall
is faith strengthened by a gold cross?
or does the power lie in the mind
can't answer
there are things in life that will not be defined
and there are things unwritten
no matter
thoughts will turn into action, with time.
so my dreams stay just out of reach
but still yet, they are there to teach
this is what I want
this is what you want
all just success in this mess
and I don't turn on AMC to see the walking dead
one just heads down to the heart of my city
to see the faded heartbeat of those who just couldn't make it
the thing about the grumble of a belly?
you can't fake it.


-D

Goodbye Summer

I wake up beside you and I can see my breath
Scrambling in the dark, my feet cold against the hardwood floor.
The room has a feel as if something happened, magic or just passion exploding over the top.
Bubbling over and cracking like fire crackers
We met, eyes met, bodies collided
The city burnt itself alive with lovemaking
And now the winter winds have set in.
Say goodbye to summertime
Hello fall
Hold me in these trying times.


-Devon

Twirling Records Excerpt

And so he felt that familiar ghost wound of the last heartbreak seeping itself into his careful statements.

"I love you" was less a string of words, more a date with destiny. He would stand at that cliff edge and say those words and possible destroy himself.

"Salvation is never easy" he reminded himself. With that, he wrapped his arms around the only living breathing thing for miles in the dead world. The dead world..he plunged into the abyss. For fate or death, or was fate death?

This is how I feel, how I feel about you..

-D

The Working Class

I imagine myself a hero
Dodging the spit filled demands of the employer
I work the hours waiting for the riverside
Telling stories mostly filled with shit
But some glimmer of a dream
A passion filled embrace
For the warmth
Beyond all money in the world
There lies a place filled with warmth
That is love in the heart.

Signed,
The working class.

Us vs Them

I can never make things right
Fate is too set in the twilight
But I can
If you let me
I can hold you tight tonight.
Dreams tend to go away if we blink twice
So hold onto the feeling as if it was a choice
As if we could wrestle with the real world
Those long bumpy bus rides down to the factory
So I can feel the sweat on my back
I close my eyes, grit my teeth, put my work in
So I can feel so alive pressed up against you
The voices outside scream to think a moment about this
All that time spent on her
Think of all you'll miss
I'm making strange choices lost in a kiss
Wandering around town they are all just blank faces
They want answers
As to why i'm showing up late for work with a fistful of poetry
Those eyes those eyes I scream
Don't you see?
Society blind to love
Cash rules everything when push comes to shove




-Dev
(Working Class)

Late Night Mind Racing

Aint it something when a parent turns their back on a child

They roam the streets hungry

Like domesticated dogs in the wild

And that's a really old line

But oh man! Is it part of my design

Prepping to say i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine

Holding in the pain

Never been one to whine

We should never self rate sitting up alone at night

I know i'm a man I should want to fuck and fight

But i'm tired of hasty slugs thrown into the night sky

Fuck it i'm hungry for real embraces before I die


Days pass without my consent
One minute rubbing sleep from my eyes
The next looking over my shoulder wondering where the day went
But when it's dark outside my mind comes alive
5am just scribbling furiously
I want to freeze time and escape this falling apart environment
I have those bent on pulling it apart at the seams
P-p-patch it up
Two people willing to back it up
The rest willing to slash it up
The last girl I fucked was a vulture
Practicing horticulture
But life is life we gotta live it so shout out to her
And all the rest that tipped wine and gave me some time
Mom's wondering if i'm gonna be ok
I don't know what to say
I thought of my first poem today
A lost jacket
Coming up in a house with lots of racket
Struggling to pass school but what was the real test?
I've never been able to tell the truth to loved ones
That one day i'll have to sit them down and clear my mind
Get some shit off my chest.
Peace

-Dev

Nightmares

Ever get a horrible thought stuck in your head and can't get rid of it?

I just recently watched the movie Dagon

I've been reading HP lovecraft for awhile now. I just came across him at the library and picked up this real thick book of short stories he's written. A few movies have been made from his stories and Dagon was one of them. The thing about about all of lovecrafts movie adaptions is..the acting kind of sucks.These aren't big budget movies whatsoever. But what the acting lacks, it makes up for in general fucked upness.

But long story short I watched Dagon and now I feel as if the side of my couch has some sort of scaly skin. Like a ripply sort of skin. Ugh even describing it gives me the shivers. Please let this mental horror leave my mind.

-Dev

Tears

when the giant cries the world shakes
and everyone feels his pain

when the tiny man cries the tears collect at his feet
and if he's lucky they will take him away

and when the tough man cries he angrily brushes them away
he stand in the mirror fists clenched to face the new day

when the poet cries the pen loses grip
he walks down sunset drive looking for company and wine to sip

when the mother cries she must hide them from her children
for they must not know that pain, not yet

all these tears falling hopefully to help us grow
so let not those tears go to waste

hold on to the moments.

-dev

The Inevitability of Life

No matter what, we will experience things.

And yes, this is a rather obvious statement. But for example, lately my life has been pretty absent of major life events/changes. I take it for granted, but also crave change. But when the time does come ( and it will) will I be so happy to accept it?

And what about those bad life events. The inevitable break up (stats show the majority of us won't be together until the end) or the loss of friends by way of life and death? The death of family members? MY death?

It is all so inevitable.

A co-worker of mine had his last shift at the restaurant today. He had been with the company for 6 years. And I mean, for the restaurant industry, that's a pretty long time. It sure feels like a long time to me when I think about the fact that six years ago I had just graduated high school. And i've never been with a job for more than 3 years ( good old mcdonalds). He seemed sad. And I mean rightfully so. We attach ourselves to places and people. And the inevitability of life shows that soon we will have to say goodbye.

"That's life, you know?, sometimes you have to move on"  I said

And for a moment I just sat there. And I thought about how i'm some ape hurtling through space on some giant land mass. I just felt..helpless. Helpless towards life because LIFE HAPPENS and it happens in a certain direction which is filled with love and happiness but also filled with death and heartbreak.

And you must move on from all this in order to grow. But the point of it all..well I can't be so sure. There are many religions that could fill that void. But I prefer to remain a humble ape.

A humble ape just fucking and crying and hugging and just moving through this inevitable life.

-Dev

Poetry At The Strip Club

I can't hit the strip clubs
I catch all the bad angles
Tired eyes
Bodies twisting and turning on floors glistened with sweat
Bright lights on the vlt let's bet
Behind the makeup she tries to forget
Or maybe i'm talking shit
It's every womens right to get naked
But i'm looking around me curious
Wheres the celebration
Tears and fears, the faces salivate they rate they hate they snakes and fakes I can't see straight
I'm wasted and I've had enough of greed
Let it rain
Walking home I hop puddles
And wonder the stories of those I don't know
If an outstretched hand would be accepted without suspicion
Not here to fuck let's pour some tea
And tell me who you really are
Not what they want you to be.

-Dev

Salt Wound Words

I cringe and writhe under your salt wound words
It's all over now
So why why why
Are you still speaking
My phone rings in the depths of night
I know its you
Leave me be
Let me sleep
But in the end I answer
As if anything could be different

It'll never be different
And i'm packing up all patched up heading on my way
You've got plenty phrases up your sleeve
Slick things to say
The sober night sits so still
Punctured by your drunken words
Trying to stumble back into my life

Your explanations bring back old sensations
I get it we don't work don't sweat it don't say another thing
Go away.
Don't need your salt wound words today.

 -Dev

Thoughts

Every once in awhile i'll go out with a friend who still hasn't grasped the concept of alcohol +girls+social situations.

Call me a bit of an old man. But fist fights at the bar are PRETTY unecessary. I mean, unless we're saving lives here, I'd rather not find myself behind repeatedly struck in the head by some battle hungry bouncer. I came to the club for a good time. Not amateur MMA matches.

When speaking to girls, my recommendation is that you actually SPEAK to them. Some friends of mine can't seem to carry on any real conversation with females. They simply yell at them from across the bar. Or they are still on the whole impression that insulting the female will win them over. This isn't middle school anymore.  Nothing is worse than standing directly beside your friend while he accosts a female and she's just giving both of us this look like "really?" I'M NOT WITH HIM..WELL I AM..BUT YEAH

I'm sure females can relate to the friend who hasn't been able to grasp the concept of limitations when consuming alchohol.

With males it's less stumbling around and crying, more fist fights and yelling. Ah, how simple the division between males and females become when we're shit faced.

-Dev

Good Vibes

My job has been going through a lot of employees as of lately. Some are new hires that just don't stick around. And a couple are employees that have been there for years.

I mean, it's natural for kitchens to have a large turn-over rate. For many, kitchen work is not the career they are aspiring for. So kitchens tend to be a sort of "pit stop" for people on their way to something else. There's also a little bit of uncomfortable truth that kitchen workers can be well..scummy. I mean I work in a kitchen and don't find myself scummy and I work with others who I don't find scummy. But time and time again you'll see what could have been a very talented cook who just can't seem to lay of the booze and drugs.

Like I said, kitchens have a large turn-over rate. But what i've been noticing lately is the attitude of many of these people leaving the company. They seem to harbour some kind of inner guilt about the whole situation. They have all gone to certain lengths to explain to me why they are quitting. Which involves a certain amount of bad mouthing about the company. I find it irritating for a couple reasons:

1) HEY I STILL WORK HERE AND ACTUALLY DON'T MIND IT

2) It's not my job to make anyone feel better about their own decisions. I hate when I find myself in the situation of having someone spray their insecure verbal diarhhea in my direction. At the end of the day you must answer to yourself. If you are quitting, then simply quit, work your last shifts, and move on. Why are all these seemingly grown men acting like children? Nobody gives two shits about a worker who just started, his issues, or his problems with the company. Everyone wants to make it seem like they are making the right decisions. But I don't care! It's not my job to rub your back and tuck you in at night.

Good vibes people. Despite maybe disliking my kitchen very much, why not leave on a positive note?

Humble the fuck up.

-Dev

Suburbia Walls

Thick walled surburbia feeds the fear
Of heading out into the inner city
Those are strange directions
Hands held out
Dirty bubbles rise at intersections
But what of the heart?
The heart of the city.
A place where portage and main meet
A place of shame and pity
Close your eyes as you pass higgins and main
Salvation army fighting a losing war against pain

Cheap hotels line the north end
The dim lights form the yellow teeth of the capitalist smile
I want to burn it all down
But children are trapped in smoke filled basements
They are future artists
Singers and
Dreams that form in the clouds they stare at
It only takes one person to give two shits
Warm cold fingers with mitts
Before a hungry belly chases the bloody dollar

Irony is innocent until proven guilty
And aint it ironic how we view status
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Yeah, they had us.
Even back then...
So when one pursues riches from drugs they are horrible and weak
But the very same people will laugh at one who works at mcdonalds
Get a real job make money like us earn a status
Without any real options provided you see
Unless you're born in the good part of town
Unless you have 25k to spend on a degree

-Dev

Waiting on Summer

I see the origins of sprirituality
Man look at sky
Man wonder why
He gotta die he gotta cry
Priest tells me imma fish fry
I sigh, collect my thoughts
Just a human being I kick rocks
 Down never ending streets
I breathe off slick rhymes and dope beats
Church on every block I see
A desperate spirituality
Searching for answers to unexplained cancers
Broken legs on dancers
Fast cars smash and clash twisted metal
Life slips through the fingers like a pedal
A holy book wielded by a well dressed crook
Diamond covered hands turn the pages
Feeding rages and has us
Accepting shitty wages
Holes in the walls
Rotten ronnie preaches to the nation
Fast food salvation
Eat it up eat it up
I got that crack snack
Wrapping all the answers in tin foil
I got those words that'll have you coming back
Here's a deal
Your soul for a value meal
Don't mind these gold teeth
Don't mind this painted face
I keep it real




-Dev

Life as an Illegal Immigrant in Greece

Mama Don't Cry

You would trace words on my back while we sat up with sleep far off into the prarie backdrop
Funny how time seems so limitless when the hot red sun slips through gods fingers
We just have this night..
I want to tug and pull at the hours
I never want to see the light

Life is characterized by those moments in which we feel most alive
All the tears all the smiles all the shouts all the whispers all the hands held together
The difference between having someone and being alone during stormy weather
The strength of being alone juxtapositioned with the hunger for an embrace
A sensual kiss that means everything
So fucking furious because...

I won't let it, I won't fucking let it get to me.

Latley i've been tearing myself apart with self responsibility
The world heavy on my shoulders
I'm buckling under every failed attempt at forming a connection
I'm asking how much of this is just me
And how much is just life.

Mama don't cry cause I don't wanna die
I just feel more now since I've stopped getting high

Mama don't cry cause I don't wanna die
I just feel more now since i've stopped getting high

-Dev

The Curse Of Empathy

I want to start off this post with a story about my older sister Meaghan. Who I hope doesn't mind me telling this story. BUT i'm pretty sure she doesn't read this blog anyways :) It's not a unique story really, this happens all the time. But this was a rather striking example of the "curse of empathy" that Meaghan and I share. I have three sisters, and Meg and I are the most alike. Very down to earth connective individuals. Great, right? I mean, being able to connect with others sounds like a great trait for a person to have. Someone to listen to and connect with any problems you have. Someone to put themselves in your shoes. A true friend in every sense of the word. Sounds great right?

Well let me tell the story before continuing.

My older sister Meaghan met a friend while living in Vancouver working as a social worker. The friend was a lawyer or something like that. It was a typical friendship, they went out for drinks, chatted..gossiped..that whole kind of thing.
Then the friend revealed that she was planning on moving to Toronto. For some reason that is unrelated to the story. So Meaghan wished her the best of luck and hoped they could still be friends despite the distance. The usual routine people go through when one moves. Good luck, and hopefully we see eachother again. Typical stuff.

At the time Meaghan was looking to upgrade her B.A in Social Work to a Masters degree. She was deciding on a school in which to do this. Guess where Meaghan was considering? The University of Toronto, which has one of the oldest social work programs in the country.

It was not officially decided but Meaghan excitedly told her friend over dinner that they may in fact still be able to hang out as she may still be living in the city. However, how the friend reacted was quite unexpected. The friend did not like the fact that Meaghan was considering moving to Toronto. No no no, the friend was not happy with this. The friend was adament that Meaghan was becoming too clingy. She was convinced that Meaghans decision to attend the University of Toronto was simply to reside in the same city as her. And with that, the friend abruptly left the restaurant. Leaving Meaghan in tears.

So, what happened here? Well the feeling in my sisters heart was that of a broken connection. And the curse of empathy is that this connection was formed in a quick and trusting way. The curse of empathy is that we reach out to others. And sometimes our hands are slapped away.

Now, was the friend a narcisistic psycho? Seems very likely. However, people who form connections easily often find themselves hurt in a world that supports hacking and slashing. People tend to look out for themselves, and friendships are only as valuable as to what you get out of them. When a friendship seems to carry too much weight. SLICE. Goodbye. You've gotten too close and need to back off.

And of course this carries over to romantic relationships. I'm the worst for this. I tend to think that because someone is sleeping with me they like me and want to be with me. Hah, that's a funny one right? I was recently seeing ( whatever you call hanging and banging) a girl who went for a four week trip to Peru. Once she returned, she was oddly distant. I asked what's up and she had met someone else while on the trip. The frustrating thing was how I had to reach out and ask what was up. She seemed to think that whatever we had before she left meant nothing. And she was "waiting until I said something"...She was "going to say something". Right, but when? No she wasn't going to say anything and was hoping i'd just fade away.

The curse of empathy is not something that can be fixed. It's this dilemma i've had my whole life. I so badly want to be a heartless asshole. Haha! Because despite the storybook bullshit we get fed that empathy is such a valuable trait..it's really not. No, it's more like a curse.

The one upside is that if you give it time, you will meet someone like you. And that connection will become something very special. Right now I have a very small circle of friends..but they are family. They will be the uncles of my children. But try as I might, I still fall way too fast and too hard. And people tend to take more from an empathetic person than they give back.

"Thanks for everything, all the love and support, I really appreciate it, I'll be on my way now!"

-Dev

Just a little break from studying.

You got those friendly eyes
Part of that cruel disguise
I'm so caught up in you
I took off early
Ditched the crew
Just to cross a shaky bridge
And throw rocks by the riverside
I've been a little lost
Without you by my side

-Dev

Sorry!

I have LOTS to share. But..life is hectic until next week wednesday.

After that, we're going to have some fun.

Thanks for reading.

-Dev

Words on Winnipeg

I wrote this introduction for my creative project for english class. I ended up not using it. So here it is! Some words on Winnipeg:

A picture of the city can only tell so many words. A snowy January day in Winnipeg must be FELT. Willing or not, that cold prarie air will enter into every nook and cranny your protective clothing provides. Mother nature will lick you with her tongue. And you’ll shiver with the expectation. There’s still so much more to go.

There is still so much more to go. We all think as we stay bowed and huddled against the attacking environment. Our hot breath and active minds form trails of heat across the frozen landscape. Downtown Winnipeg is crowded by people with lots to say. And together we watch those statements rise into the sky. We watch those statements disappear into a larger cloud that is the voice of the city.

Everyone is trying to be as small and as large as they can be on this day. We rush from warmth to warmth. Scared of what the world could be without an embrace. This winter can be a long time. It can be a long time spent over a cold meal and regrets. So as we rush from place to place, warmth to warmth. We bump shoulders and politely step out of each others way. We stop short on our path to allow others to pass by. There’s only so much room on the sidewalk so we must cooperate and connect.

The cold will push us from behind. Powers at play will attempt to isolate us. But no matter where in the city we are from, whether it is tuxedo or the north end, nobody can escape the ferocity that is mother natures grip on the city.

-Dev

"Twirling Records" Excerpt.

Yes, I am still working on a few short stories

 After she had finished dancing she slumped against the wall. Breathing heavy with a flushed face, her eyes wandered around the room. The walls had once been plastered with posters. But recently she had taken them all down. Leaving just the markings of torn tape. In their place she had placed paintings. Artwork she felt represented herself. Her eyes shifted from portrait to portrait. Eventually settling on a setting sun on a harsh landscape. It was home. And her mind trailed from childhood memories to the hours she had spent with him. Her hand idly trailing its way down her neck, through her breasts, and circling her bellybutton.

The room had become hot. A trickle of sweat dove from her forehead onto the hardwood floor. It may have even splashed in an extraordinary way. But her mind had wandered to his strong arms. And how he had left with just a brush of a kiss. Leaving her craving more. Craving the escape of love and color in such a cold dull winter. 



-Dev

Empty Pocket

an empty pocket
lump in my throat
brings me back to my old shadows
and they play like a broken record in a smoke filled room
i'm torn between running away from the heat
and choking
sputtering
to deal with the music

who i am now is well..who i am
who i am now is well..who i once was
and he knocks at the door from time to time
i invite him in
sit him down
and attempt to explain we should probably stop seeing eachother

my mother calls
and I shift and fidget
who am I?
not the weight-lifter
not the insurance guru
not the social worker
not the teacher
i..write
in the darkness
sometimes i dream
big things that weigh heavy
and cause quite a stir when they come crashing down in a million pieces
i'm scrambling to collect myself

school journey
i had to borrow a book from the library today
this one was buried amongst the rows
i had trouble finding it
dropped my backpack
shed my jacket
sweated
huffed and puffed
crawled on my knees
stood on my tip toes
and with a red face met marvin francis

later in class the tension was high
some will pass some will fail some will die
I'm sweating through the lecture
is it hot in here or what?
blood boils with minimum wage rage
everyone thinks
i'm going to change the world
go somewhere past this small town
travel the world and stop fixing rich people drinks

-dev

【3.11特集】反原発をアートで訴える『281 Anti nuke』- Political Artist 281_Anti nuke (+pla...

Forms of Happiness and Bullying

That kid getting bullied at the arena doesn't shock me. In europe it is way worse, I mean, you step into the wrong bar/club wearing the wrong jersey you could get beat the fuck up pretty quick. But there was something about a kid getting harassed like that and it bugged me quite a bit. And judging from the output of support the kid received afterwards, it pissed a lot of other people off as well.

John-Tavares-Comes-Through-for-11-Year-Old

It got me thinking, why did this whole thing go down?

Well for starters, I think i'm pissed off for a different reason than some. I mean there is the obvious bullying aspect that comes with full grown adults teasing a child. That boggles my mind. You really needed to rag on some kid to make yourself feel better? Pathetic

But also there is this less talked about issue of self-validation. And I find that self-validation permeates our lives in a major way.  A lot of happiness is latched on to these things that aren't "real". I feel happiness should be a feeling we have that is not based on societal trends or material goods. These things aren't "real". They are just objects..there is no emotional output from them. People tend to self-validate themselves by pointing to the material objects around them. I have this and this and that hanging on the wall i'm the happiest person alive. And who the fuck am I to define happiness anyways? But I try my hardest to keep things in perspective and keep those I love close. Because that is my source of happiness.

And I mean fuck I know i'm being such a priviliged person by saying we should cut back. But that really is a whole different story.  What I'm trying to say here is that we should not let our happiness rely on having STUFF, or a hockey team WINNING. We should be able to stand butt naked in a field with just ourselves and be happy.

I do make the case that there are ORGANIC forms of happiness. These organic forms of happiness seem to be stronger and more rooted to the individual. And then there are LESS ORGANIC forms of happiness that seem to revolve around material things..or societal illusions such as a sports team.

Sports teams are certainly illusions. And even I got caught up with the olympic hockey. And i'll admit i'd be dissapointed if they lost ( they didn't).. but even then, doubt i'd call out a little kid over the whole thing.

The way I see these non-organic happiness creators? I don't dismiss them really, I take part in them myself. However, these things can be lost and are not pernament.

Rather, I try to build my life around organic forms of happiness that are more strongly rooted. These forms of happiness are more connected to me as an indivudal and how I feel.

And as usual i'm not here to tell anyone how to feel. But if you find yourself drunk, pissed off, and cat calling a little kid over a sports game then..well maybe you should start seeking alternate forms of happiness.

-Dev

Sex/Dating/Feminism

I remember when I was younger ( in the teenage years) sex and the bodies of females fascinated me. It was the end all be all. I mean, I wasn't exactly a ladies man at the time. A face full of acne and a lack of style had me single throughout high school. Left to be an observer rather than a partaker.

So, I guess in not having sex or any real relationship at the time I mystified the whole thing. I made sex out to be this amazing thing. I saw it as having no real harm and just being this constant thing I worked towards.

Feminism aside, I still think about sex. I mean, all the gender studies classes in the world can't take away my heterosexual drive. So if I do come across a female I find attractive. I will probably at one point think about how she looks naked. I did it back in high school, I do it to this day. Probably will do it until my sex drive shuts down.

I know that my feminism and this raw desire conflict. And that is sooort of the point of this blog post, but not completely. But it is a phenomenon to educate oneself about the plight of females in every culture. The extreme being females living in the middle east and right to the females I share a classroom with. They have a different world and being in G.S classes allowed me a glimpse into that world. It was extremely enlightening.

However, a big aspect is the male gaze and the objectification of women. These aren't objects, these are people. And they deserve to be judged on qualities that do not pertain to what they've chosen to wear. Or their bodies at all for that matter. In fact, dialogue about bodies at all disturbs me slightly. You know, those graphics that are so popular lately saying things like "Real men like women with curves" or "You don't have to wear make-up to be pretty" and so on and so forth. In the end, it's men telling women how to act/feel/and behave. Even under the veil of positivity it makes me squirm and wonder "why can't we just let them..you know..do what the fuck they want?"

But of course I do look at women sexually. It's part of my nature. The animal in me wants to procreate. This can't be shut off. So I try to keep my thoughts to a socially acceptable level.

This brings me to the main point of this blog. As I said earlier sex used to be this HUGE thing. It was what I always used to think about when meeting new attractive girls. But, now that I've gone through a few relationships my thinking has changed. And it's not really feminism that has done this. It's more of a realization that sex is a big deal to me, and typically also to my partner. And maybe i'm foolishly pursuing it a little too quickly in relationships. And not even in "relationships" but when i'm first meeting a girl/getting to know her.

There's this theory I have. And it's funny that i'm even bringing it up because I have no real solution for it. But I do have the theory that having sex early on when first dating someone adds a level of seriousness and connection that may not be real. Gee, what could I mean by that? Well the physically intimacy of sex gives us this feeling of connection that has no actually been made yet. When you date/see someone it really is a feeling out period (no pun intended) and you either make the choice between dating seriously or moving your separate ways. Well, I feel sex makes this feeling out process harder by putting the relationship to this level that has no actually been achieved.

Now, in my usually annoying fashion, I'm going to say this is pretty much unavoidable. I mean, you could hypothetically hold off on sex until you feel a "real" connection. But let's get real here. At some point you're going to be drinking wine on a couch with dim lighting and well..things go faster than expected when you're horny as shit with someone you find very attractive. To deny these physical urges in the hope that you may form a more solid relationship is (to me) just as much as a gamble as having sex early and seeing where it goes. Perhaps though the only difference between holding off and diving in is the fall out. Things my hurt less when you go your separate ways if you aren't sexually active. Hm, but then you didn't get laid.

I digress, what I'm trying to say is that I find myself realizing that sex is serious stuff. And I make choices nowadays that would seem silly in my late teens. I have to ask myself "do I want to pursue this person?" because if I know that I want to have sex with with..but not seriously date them. Then I feel the responsibility to hold off from doing that. I don't necessarily owe this to anyone. But once you've been down the dating/relationship road a few times you tend to feel a connection with others.

The connection being "damn, you and I both know that this can hurt"

And it can hurt but can also be this amazing thing. And ahh..maybe we should slow things down not too much but just a little.

-Dev

I Used To Ojectify

What is love nowadays if not foolish attachment.
No time for passion of the production line.
And no time for quick decisions that do not fit into a larger design.
I used to look at breasts and buttocks and objectify.
But now I see a black eye and wonder why love has to hurt.
But never that much right? I mean why why why?
I know that love hurts so I remove your clothes slowly and look you in the eye
I do it for you but I do it for myself
I used to look at bodies and objectify
But now I watch the t.v and realize sex and love mean more to me.

And it scares me.

 -Dev

From The Vault-Heavy Regrets

looking down at your feet
the worlds fucked up and you're feelin tha heat
i got no solution no quick resolution
a new year a new lost girl a new tear
the meaning is seeming a little out of reach
and i've told myself a million times i would teach..
myself to get out these self appointed depressions
told myself i'd break free of these mental opressions
but it's two steps ahead and five back
i got these regrets weighing heavy on my back




-dev

Ukraine Burning

Pussy Riot Gets Whipped in Sochi

Dev Talks # 3

Listen Music - Upload Audio - Dev Talks # 3

Jihad Olympics: Sochi's Terror Problem

Dying Art

The art gallery of choice slowly closes exhibits, bare walls echo with a once vibrant creativity
a creativity of a revolutionary sort, with figures and leaders leering in odd ways and drawn with big noses
plenty young adults as they are called would make their way down to the museum to express their frustration some sexual but mostly political
its hard to wake up to a world that has grown more effective and less happy every single day
a small crowd did form of course, outside the museum there was a sunny courtyard with oak benches
birds chirped and trees swayed, the chants were simple but pained
they were nothing to the world but a dull throbbing of the tooth
a momentary lapse of annoyance, and then gone forever.
buried underneath the easy to get drugs on the black market.
I popped pill a and counted my hours until pill b, after 2 o clock i was kicking on the inside of self induced tomb
the crowd eventually trickled away like a small river that fights urban expansion
muddy boots and mcdonald cups soak up any form of life that dares oppose
nowadays in the back alleys we pass mary jane wrapped in poetry
and whisper sweet things in a lovers ear
beauty survived in that form

I walked home from school today.
crossing the bridge I feel the harsh wind
and I know this is the closest to god i've ever been
and will ever get.
because the sting on my face is the closest i've ever been to the real
oh the real that I chase
HEY
a man catches my attention
he stands on a mound of snow and yells ART IS DYING
and of course from around the corner
mona lisa stumbles towards me with a slit throat
she collapses in a mound right in front of me
with shaky hands I turn her over
and watch those eyes slowly close
the snow turning blood red and I’m thinking..
finally some color in my life
..right?!

I have a machine that will wash and dry my dishes
But my father and I
We don’t hug
It’s this thing.
But we can catch up real good over lunch at earls.
You see..nevermind
Just that..it’s this thing
Makes me wonder, what is strength really?
Is it my ability to raise large amount of weight above my head?
Or is it the ability to blink through the tears?
Pretend it doesn’t hurt?



A series of questions as you slowly back out the room.

-Dev

Hip Hop 6 Playlist

All finished up my 6th Hip Hop playlist on youtube. It's been awhile since my first! You can find my on youtube by following this link

From The Vault Vol 5

if you could give yourself advice what would it be?
the art gallery of choice slowly closes exhibits, bare walls echo with a once vibrant creativity.
a creativity of a revolutionary sort, with figures and leaders leering in odd ways and drawn with big noses
plenty young adults as they are called would make their way down to the museum to express their frustration
some sexual but mostly political
its hard to wake up to a world that has grown more effective and less happy every single day
i now have a machine that cleans my dishes, but my mom is addicted to crack
if you can wrap your head around that. then i can move on
a small crowd did form of course, outside the museum there was a sunny courtyard with oak benches
birds chirped and trees swayed, the chants were simple but pained
the were nothing to the world but a dull throbbing of the tooth
a momentary lapse of annoyance, and then gone forever.
buried underneath the easy to get drugs on the black market.
i popped pill a and counted my hours until b, after 2 o clock i was kicking
basically flying and watching an event of entirely humorous proportions
they eventually trickled away like a small river that fights urban expansion
muddy boots and mcdonald cups soak up any form of life that dares oppose
it did rain that night, i walked home and soaked myself
my pill haze broke, and thoughts of the poor artists who lost their exhibit came back to my mind
i had no answer, and even with an answer, what of it?
too much thinking, my door was opened by a machine and on the t.v two blond girls kiss passionately
hey, not everything in life is artificial

Balloon Porn Superstar

Photobomb

Is Going To College Worth It?

Why The Sochi Olympics Are The Most Expensive Olympic Games Ever

Miley Cyrus (Marilyn Monroe Shoot)

Heavens Gate Cult

Good Music Vol 2

Self-Righteous Activism vs. True Compassion

From The Vault Vol 4

I call this one a mess on the page.
Historians will one day take my words and re organize them into a prophecy.
But for now my promises are just heresay and rhetoric.
Never thought I'd see you leave.
Even more suprised to see you come back.
Feet dragging, you got plenty stories.
And I got songs to.
Written here in my notebook.
Unveiled when the moment is just right.
When I'll reach the world with a hooo yeah.
And the pounding of the drums reaches it's peak.
Being alive has never been this fun before..

Good to see we're talking again.
But I feel the trials, tribulations and pain in your voice.
Ahhhh
Girl you just gotta trust me.
Just gotta trust me it'll be different this time.
Cause I love the way your hair falls in cascades.
I'll spend time in that waterfall.
You ask me "How do I look?
And I must admit i'm a little intimidated.
You look dangerous.
A dazzling heartbreaker with fuckable thighs.
Fuckable eyes that'll lead a man to his demise.
But I hold my tongue cause i figure you don't want to be referred to as a graveyard dweller.
You'd completely miss my point.
The dress looks great but when i'm laying alone my mind wanders to other sights.
Like you in my t-shirt wearing nothing but panties.
When we go out there's space between us.
You don't come between the homies.
Just sliding your hand up my leg and sharing seductive glances.
Seductive glances leading to dirty dances.
I'll spend money on the right one amongst cheap romances.
But the best gift would be you letting me in.
And you know what i mean by that.
Let me in.
Cause I don't give a shit about much right now.
And you make this routine bearable.
Got me feeling like I got a future.

-Dev

 

Best of Gramatik (Chillout Funkstep)

Barrington Levy- The Early Years

Responsibility

Responsibility..what a trip.

I mean there are those obvious moments in life when you are fully responsible for something. Such as getting your hand stuck in the cookie jar. Yes, you are wholly responsible for trying to thieve those cookies and should ACCEPT that responsibility.

Other times in life it can be not so clear. And we are taught to own up to our mistakes. And often it is a person's fault that they do not accept enough personal responsibility in life. This can lead to a multitude of revolving problems regarding relationships, money, and just life in general.

However, what about those times where accepting full responsibility is unecessary and just hard on yourself? I mean life is tough, and we can't control all factors that may occur. And I think we are a little too quick to point the blame at ourselves sometimes. That can be a heavy burden!

Don't carry the burden of the world on your shoulders my friends. There is a fine line between realizing your own mistakes and accepting all the blame all the time.

Carry on.

-Dev

Photobomb

Mental Mind Wash

Tears come in different forms. The anatomy of the tears tend to fit the situation. Some tears come hard and fast as we furiously wipe them away. These tears are filled with explosive emotions. They can be happy or sad tears. But they come quick. Other tears are thick and heavy with the weight of the world. They build up in the eyes and drop down across our face. We tend not to wipe these tears away so quickly. Those tears are free to dry on the face and collect around the corner of our mouths. I find myself experiencing heavy tears more often than the quick ones. I’ve also found that I do much less crying as I age. Am I stronger? Or have I numbed myself to certain situations? Silly questions I’m asking myself. I’m happier, and that is why the tears are less frequent. But the heavy tears. They come from somewhere. They hold a weight that are the issues I push to the back of my mind. I came out of my teenage years alive, but not unscathed. I came to accept certain things in life. And as I enter my mid-twenties I know that dwelling on my problematic childhood will get me nowhere. But the tears do come, and I know they are coming. The day will feel strange. I’ll feel very connected with others. I’ll resist the urge to hug strangers. And then I’ll make it home and allow the tears to run down my face. And I’ll think about my past. But no real answers come to me. I just let the emotion run its course and attempt to write about it. It’s my brains way of washing itself out I guess. Kind of a mental mind-wash. Yes, I just said that.

The best advice I can give anyone experiencing pain is to mold that pain into something positive. When life gives you lemons..that kind of thing. But sometimes certain things just can't be fucking molded! They are rock hard fossils that won't be altered and could survive an apocalypse! So, what to do with these memories...

I suppose i'll have to grudgingly accept them as my companions. They are me after all...they compose me. 

-Dev

Twirling Records

A brush of the lips and his world becomes alive
Blazing a hot trail of desire across the snow covered sidewalk
To the moon and back, a bounce in his step
A snap of the fingers and a quick twirl under the streetlight
The lights of the night shining so bright tonight
And he swears he feels different
A new man tonight

She watches him leave from just behind the door
Clutching to a memory, she's wanting more
Some moments in life call for a record
So she shuffles through the years and picks an old favourite
One of those old tunes that brings it all back
She twirls with the records all across the room


-Dev

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