Summer Journal 2

Sitting on the beach
I let the sand fall between my fingers
She's got perfume on that barely lingers
But it's just enough, just enough
A small kiss, a brush of her lips
It's not enough, never enough
We'll both change over the summer
It's tough
Thinking too much just to write this
Just as the sun falls into the distance
And the night keeps it's warm embrace

dtr.

Self-Help 1

A couple years ago I set out to change my life. This came with many positive elements but also unique negativity I didn't consider. Change requires a conscious effort to move from one place to another. I believed strongly that the motivation to do so had to come from myself. I began to look at myself as the "new Devon" combating the ways of the "old Devon". Splitting my ego into two different entities. And these two forms of my ego would often interact in scolding sessions from myself to myself. Essentially talking down to myself. And it wasn't pretty. I called myself a failure to my family and a disgrace to their success. I told myself I would be alone for the rest of my life and would achieve nothing. I constantly "fucked up" (in my own opinion) and would have dark moments that would more self-berating then liberating.

 

Dark moments like when I blacked out with rage in my apartment. I tore it apart and sent a row of glass cologne bottles flying into a bathtub. A true miracle that glass hitting porcelain at such a speed didn't shatter any of them-not even a crack.

It feels rather strange to count being happy as a major success. In juxtaposition to having a career, family and other milestones, happiness seems a given with some-a struggle for others. The other day I was just walking around the grocery store and realized happiness hasn't been a real issue for me in recent memory. I have bad days but not in such a self destructive nature as I once experienced.

Don't be so hard on yourself-for real. Change, especially big change, doesn't happen quickly. Set small goals that accumulate. I found setting daily goals and meeting them to be really satisfying. And those all add up to larger changes. And there is no definition of success. That's entirely up to YOU.

I'm not so sure my method to change my life was the right one. I call it the insecurity tunnel. And I'm just coming out of it. Ready to get back out into the world again. But it provided me with an insight into mental health. While my emotions generated rage in an outward fashion. Other's emotions turn further inward and promote self-harm. 

That's all for now. 

dtr