Dreams

I feel mis-represented in my dreams. Lately they have been displaying me as this weak individual. I won't fight, I won't fuck, and i'm holding onto my past for dear life. In reality I'm passed that. But I feel dreams define my morning in a way. When I was younger dreams meant shit all to me. But nowadays they seem clearer and more lucid. Especially when napping. So I spend time to think over the dreams.

If you think about your dreams too much you're going to go crazy.

But then again there is always something to be learned.

Dreams are so perspective based though. Really how you read into them depends on your mood and place in life. It interesting that some dreams i throw away as meaningless and ridiculous. And others have a larger impact on me. My dreams are so personal though that i'd never share them on here. I think its more how they show me. They speak a different language than i do. They represent me differently. You know as i'm typing i kind of see this in a different way. My dreams show me as a different person. So a healthy way to examine my dreams would be to explore that different person. It's a different side to me. A new set of emotions. And if i'm truthful with myself. Those different emotions lay inside of me in reality. It's kind of a skewered perception of your thoughts. But I think it's healthy to explore new perceptions.

Which is obvious since I support the usage of psychedelics. Always in the right context, always in the right crowd. It's exploring the unknown. And from here I could rant and rant about the self ego and how culture contructs it. I'll let terrence mckenna give a little peek into where i'm going with this:

Hmm, something to think about. As if my brain isn't in hyper drive enough lately.

Cheers.

comfortable mixing pain with pleasure

old songs give me the chance to reminisce on the past
i feel like i've sat here slumped in my chair
watching it all slip away in an hourglass
if i only I held on tighter to the moments that seem to define me
or i allow them to
so maybe i'm weak?
i've been missing the smell of your hair for weeks and weeks
trying to be tough
i plaster on a smile and run a painful mile
running into reminders at every corner
but really it's rolling over in an empty bed that really defines it
being alone
drawing on my wall
huge scrawls dedicated to the imaginary girl.

deep breaths
they say count to ten
but i've counted to ten over and over again
hoping that my heart agrees with my head
cause we can't do this anymore
gotta gain some strength in the mind
cause as my body dies my brain lives on.
closest thing to a soul i can come up with

i understand long days
when it seems the whole world is tugging you in every which way
getting home I unfasten my tie
slump down in front of my hourglass
and cry.
blinking through the tears i hear voices
from all directions
your crying?
what kind of man are you?
i close my eyes and can smell the ice now
as i fell and blood flowed from my nose.
i taught myself to skate despite all the cuts and bruises.
i'm trying to relate defining childhood moments with my current situation.
in order to pull from that strength
that innocence.

a beautiful city is empty without love
a soft voice in your ear like music
don't take my sound away
take the city
the meaningless roads and signs and lights
i'm illuminated in a different way
powered by experience
what goes up must come down
but i want to avoid the uncomfortable slide from the top
so lets just stay here in this little place of my mind
this little fantasy i have of us smoking a J
downing a bottle of rum
shedding our clothes beside the fire

i'll let you fill in the blanks.
you know to me love is the only thing that actually exists
its the one thing that brings all humans together
we need love in our lives.
and everyone deserves it.
you know it's not so much different than when we were small children.
and we took those precarious first steps.
and i think we all need the comfort of knowing there's a hand to pick us up.
when it all comes crashing down.

the cold ice...
am I a man yet?

who needs acid?

Dude..the cloud.

"Hoping the jacksons come around..i dunno"

25/12

Download this @ http://www.datpiff.com/Joe-Budden-A-Loose-Quarter-mixtape.416375.html

we need to talk about kevin

Just watched this movie. My womans studies instructor recomended it to me after I made some ignorant comment about serial killers. Really eye opening!

nov 24/12

My latest celebrity crush. I was a huge fan of flashdance.
Wound up at the gay bar Gios last night. It was pretty unspectacular. Chasing girls can always be a risky affair. We should have stayed at the Cheer. Oh well, the night worked out for heinrichs and i am stoked for him.

nov 23/12

little photo shoot with the footy or fiction tee. turned into me shoving my face into the camera. like always.yeah i'm still rocking my red jammies. plans changed this evening i suppose. gotta help a brotha out by going to the cheer. hey exes..would be nice if two of you didn't show up tonight. no exes would be even better. i wanna dance with some fly ladies :)well that'll happen anyways but just sayin

what if's don't belong amongst the wreckage

must be sober now cause the thoughts came flooding in
tried to shut em off but i'm neck deep
in the shit that was said
the lies that were spread
you pushed me down just to get ahead.
and where does that leave me
no couches now just a pillow and tv
and the glare shining off my face
losing faith in the human race
something about faith never head it anyway
not even religious but i face judgement everyday
hypocrites calling me a sinner
destruction fron a distance is how you enjoy your tv dinners
don't mind a bloody scene
as long as your behind the tv screen.

Dusty street lights illuminate shitty street fights
a conjured image of the canadian male has us throwing swings at dark figures
it figures
cause i've always been scared to enter a dark room
till your eyes opened and it was like boom
an explosion of thought
skin aganist skin
the sweat i always sought
and tasted.
you felt that body and left in a haste
what a waste
licking my lips i'll take over from here
and let me make something clear
you aint a man till you hold your childs hand
and they look at you with pride in their eyes and say thats my dad
not saying you need a baby
but a hand to hold on doomsday
what if's don't belong amongst the wreckage.

kendrick & miguel

Just what's been in my ears lately.

footy or fiction promo

Nov 22nd

I'm sitting here breathing in the chemical smell of the cleaner my landlord uses to..well clean the place. I appreciate it though.

Last night jed and I got together and did our usual blaze and a movie. Jesus did I ever get high. It was borderline uncomfortable. It was one of those highs where I had to accept the fact that the body high was so intense that I wouldn't be able to monitor my breathing. Sounds scary, but it was only for a few minutes before I calmed down. I guess thats what I get for taking 6 rather large bong hoots. I wanted to get a little fucked up..and I achieved that.

What did we watch? A classic.

I know right? How does one watch such a terrifying movie while sky high? Don't ask me. We've been doing it for awhile now.

I stopped by dennis's crib the other day. Haven't seen him in awhile. And we haven't hungout since our falling out the summer before last. It was chill. He lives in a character home off spence street. as he puts it "a lot of character a lot of fucked up"
Played some skate 3.

Fun shit. I picked up a t-shirt and some stickers off him. His crew @ http://www.repset.net make t-shirts every once in awhile and sell them. Always limited quantity. So when I saw the Footy Or Fiction tee I had to have it. check out the promo video


And last but not least. I love my friends. Here's why:

I'm out. Looking forward to getting drunk at jeds house tmrw. No clubs for me this weekend. no way jose.

Nov 21

Only a day has passed? I feel like it's been a week. I was stressing hard over my anthropology paper and my womans studies presentation. but all is well now. i ended up switching presentation times for my WS class so it bought my a week. am i going to utilize my time to the fullest? in theory i should be. but in reality i'll be cramming it into my sunday night. oh boy..when am i going to become a good student.

had a dream last night. but i am honestly uncomfortable sharing it on here. i know i get a few views a day so i dunno..i don't want to name names on here. i try to limit it as much as i can. but she was in there. sort of. mentioned if you will. so was she and she. tons of girls showed up in my dream. also a naked male. as you can imagine it was quite the interesting dream.

"9 months to live?" haha my secret.

today i have everything and nothing planned at the same time. i have papers to do and that presentation i could get a leg up on. or i could watch this:

I've been on a huge adrian lyne bender. maybe because i'm single and horny. but fuck it jacobs ladder was an awesome film. since then i've continued down this directors path and he is one sleazy motherfucker. i think i'm almost done with him. one more film after this.

lolita. yes borderline softcore porn. incest themes. i have no excuse to watch it. but then again i watched cannibal holocaust with a sort of grim fascination.

my movie watching experience would be heightened with a big bag of lemon kush. but i'm am so done with having weed around my place. i have zero control over myself with that stuff. but later today i'm hanging out with jed and we will hit the bong and watch a horror film. it's our thing.

thats it thats all.

nov 20th

I don't really need anyone right now. It's a nice feeling. After the break-up I was so needy. I literally attatched myself onto any female I could. I guess that comes with like having someone and then suddenly not. You sort of panic a little. Nowadays I'm a total social loner. The clubs don't appeal to me very much. I'd rather sit around and watch vice documentaries or a movie. I've been trying to combat the sedentary lifestyle by working out a bit. I don't have any equipment or barbells. But I'll do pushups and increase my number everyday. I'll shadowbox a bit with some music on to keep me pumped. I'm still out of shape. I was in total shape over the summer with all the bike riding I did. Then september rolled around and the weather got cold. So now i've just been doing what I can. Did I ever want to get into soccer. But it just didn't happen. I don't have the right connections for it. I'm going to try hard to make sure I play for a spring and summer team. As a goaltender or out whichever. I like goaltending though it gives me a special rush to be the last person between the ball and the net. But yeah, no connections. Spring for sure. In the new year i want to get skates and a stick and puck. Get back on the ice. Now that's a rush I haven't felt in a long time.

Yeah I am disillusioned with my current social situation. It's not that I don't love my friends. It's just that I want others that fit my lifestyle more. I got called out for leaving "early" on saturday night. By some drunk douchebag I don't consider my friend. "What kind of partier are you?" I'm a dude taking full time classes in University..what's the last paper you wrote?

The problem when you want to like move on from a social group. Cause that's what it is for me. I like the people in said group invidually but as a group..it's just not that fun. The problem is they take it so personally. Like I'm not saying i'm better than anyone here. Really it's like a breakup. I'm different now, you're no longer fitting into who i am anymore.

Forcing myself back to my paper.

Later

NOTHIN

NOTHING TO SAY IN MY BLOG EXCEPT I NEED CHANGE.

BUT I WON'T LEAVE THE CITY AGAIN THIS TIME. I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED JUST SUBLETTING THIS APARTMENT AND MOVING BACK TO B.C. BUT I'LL STICK AROUND.

last night

Last night I woke up at around 6am and began to vomit violently. It was quite refreshing. Then I fell back asleep and had such lucid and serene dreams. Naturally the majority of them have escaped my mind now. But I do clearly remember running through a field with grass higher than my head. I was so lost and slightly afraid. But was also extremely comforted. I had no escape-I didn't need an escape. I just ran around jumping through and waving my arms through this long grass.

FNG

Beautiful first nations girl.
Hair flowing like the rivers that surround her.
She dances around the fire when the streets let her.
When the violence subsides and peace arises.
Like a flower in the sun.
Pushing through all the dark times.
She's got the hammer, ready to smash all the stereotypes.
Ready to conquer.
Take back her land.
Just to share it with all humanity.
When the violence subsides and peace resides.

And fuck the stereotypes.
I say shake em off.
And hold those shoulders high.
As you follow a star in the sky.
Right past main and higgins.
Straight down to the westwood mansion.
I know how it is.
Poverty following you like charles manson.
Hovering in your dreams.
An increasing weight on your chest.
Waking up gasping, reaching for the wallet.
Counting the bills cause the rent's due.
Got one of those asses that have the cars swerving and crashing.
But you don't need a man to get a cheque.

Huh, let me spit for a sec.
Let me tell you how shit goes with a broken neck.
Support from all sides but it's up to me to use these legs.
Years of physiotherapy.
Lots of sweat.
And no fucking time for regret.

What does a broken neck have to do with anything?
It's inspiration that drives the mind.
Makes impossible become possible.
The stars are in reach.

The lines on your face show a life of stress.
At a certain point you realize you aint never going nowhere.
Your slumped at a bus stop.
With no destination.
Hand held out.
But you could do without the change.
Prefer to fade away.
Instead of clutching another bottle.

Grab my hand.
I'll pick you up.
Take you away from this place.
This cold, slimey, forgotton space.
Show you a different side of life.
If you let me.
If you believe.

Do your thing obama

Do your thing obama. Men cry-and the world needs to see it sometimes.

you know what

i hate missing you.

Getting Over A Break-up

I'm a big fan of lists. So I compiled a list of ways to make a break-up easier for both sides.

1. Understand what a break-up means. It's not a fight. It's not something thats going to stregthen your relationship. It's over. When you dump someone it's because you are no longer happy/in love with them. When you are broken up with its because that person is moving on from you. Understanding what the break-up means leads to acceptance. Acceptance might take awhile. But the first step is to say "Ok, we broke up, and it's over".
2. Allow yourself to grieve. Especially with men, the idea of crying and consoling others can be tough. Nobody wants to be a victim. But in a way you are a victim to your emotions. Both sides experience pain. Which leads me to my next point. I would recommend staying away from drugs and alchohol. There's a fine line between having a good time and leaning on substances as a crutch. Just give yourself time. Don't rush recovery. It's a natural process that will depend on the person you are and the person they are. 
3. You will both experience pain. I think the natural response to a break-up is to assume your in a worse position than the other person. This is more for someone who has been dumped. You think in your head that they are just off fucking everyone and living life to the fullest. Chances are that's not necessarily true. But even if it was, that has nothing to do with you anymore. You'll both experience pain from the break-up. One person may experience more. But don't assume your ex-partner is completely heartless. Remember, you loved them at some point right? 
4. Get used to seeing him/her out in social situations. If you share the same friend group. Or live in a smaller town like I do. Chances are you will run into your ex out and about in a social situation. And chances are this will be at a bar or party. This can make for akwardness. And that's probably your best kind of situation. Cause i've seen some really crazy shit go down between ex-couples. The akwardness is natural. You used to be with this person. Hanging out in the same crowd and not really interacting in the same way is strange. Its like a reality slap in the face. This goes back to my very first point. It's over. You no longer lay claim to what your ex does or how they act. This is a bittersweet feeling. Again, don't rush this. It'll take time before you can see them out and maybe even have a friendly chat. Trust me, when that happens it feels good. 
5. Develop yourself as an indivudal. Now that you're single-you're free! And that means you can pursue your dreams. Believe it or not being in a relationship can cause you to sit back and be cool with everything. Chase things you always wanted to do! Take cooking/art/dance classes. Write lots of blogs and re-connect with old friends. Take a trip! So many cool ideas. 
6. You will meet someone else. You gotta understand that you learn from each relationship. It allows you to adapt your own behaviour. It also allows you to know more about what you want. That feeling that he or she was the only one for you is silly. It'll pass. And you will meet someone who makes your ex look bad. This doesn't mean you have to hate your ex or carry on negative feelings. I see this far to often. People spend years being bitter! Your wasting your time. That being said, you did break up for a reason. You will meet someone else and be happy. Don't worry about that. But don't rush it. Don't immediately try and look for another partner. 
7. Try to not contact them. If you are contacting your ex. Only you can know if you are doing it for the right reasons. Often you need to arrange plans to pick up eachothers stuff. It's god awful. That's necessary communication though. After that, why are you texting your ex? Especially if they broke up with you, why even give them a piece of who you are anymore? If you broke up with your ex. Don't string them along or give them false hope. You'll cause more pain that way. 
8. Keep the sad songs and movies to a minimum. You may want to wallow in your own sorrow with a nice break-up song. And it's ok to every once in awhile allow yourself to cry. But don't delete all your songs off the ipod and replace them with the entire spill canvas discography. Movies are the same. Aim for comedy and action. I recommend weed movies. Even if you don't smoke they are careless and fun. Exactly how you want to be as a single person. 
9. Exercise!. Going for runs and walks is a great way to blow off steam. Team sports give you a feeling of belonging. It's also a great way to meet new people. 
10. Don't shit-talk. As much as you might want to. Don't shit-talk your ex to people. It's childish and makes you look worse when it gets around to your ex. It gives them the satisfaction of saying "well that's why we're over". The best revenge is to live life well. It sounds tacky but it's true. It's like dr dre famously said. "Keep my name out your mouth and i'll keep it the same"  

Bad Trips And What To Do About Them

 Psychedelic Crisis Guide

Before I say my two cents. This article is probably your best resource and will cover much more ground than me. I've seen "bad trips" a few times. They have ranged in intensity. Probably the word I saw was a girl "looping" with about 2-3 sentences. Looping is when the mind reverts back to the same thought over and over again. Looping varies in intensity. It could be a range of actions and thoughts that come back around. Or, like in this unfortunate girls case, it could be quite literally 3 sentences repeated over and over in a panic. Doesn't sound fun eh? It's not. I've gone down a few sketchy roads with drugs. Probably the worst revolved around MDMA and Cannabis. One weekend I dropped caps on a friday night and had a relatively good time. The next night I decided to drop them again, because my girlfriend was doing them, and it went all wrong. I dropped one and railed (snorted) another. It wasn't fun. I was anti-social and felt like throwing up the whoole time. I just laid in bed while I missed out on all the fun. The following night I smoked my usual dose of marijuana. Immediately was tossed into a bad trip. It's common for flashbacks to occur with marijuana and mdma especially if you are smoking the weed soon after the mdma trip. I ended up shaking uncontrolably on my couch for hours. I felt like calling someone..thankfully my common sense prevailed. However, i was legitimately fucked up for weeks after. I had panic attacks out of nowhere. My anxiety levels towards drugs and partying were so intense. It was a unique feeling I've never felt before. So i know how it feels. So when I came across this girl having a tough time. I immediately went into care mode. The above article will describe exactly what I did. But I wish I had done more. It was out of my control. It wasn't my house so I could dictate wether she stayed or left. All I can say is if you are planning on tripping out. Do it amongst a crowd that knows what the fuck drugs are about. Especially a bad trip. I confronted the people that had left this girl tripping outside. My blood boils just thinking about how fucking ignorant they were. They laughed it off and treated it as a funny joke. It's not a joke fuckers. It's not someone thats too drunk (although you should help them too). It's a mindtrap that you would never imagine. To this day those people still joke about it. I will call them out hard if they do it in my presence. Read the article! I think anyone who is doing or will be involved around psychedelic drugs should read it. Fuck, it should be taught in school. Signing out.

Be someone's rock.

I think everyone needs a rock. I can't imagine how horrible heartbreak would be without support from around you. To truly be alone in your pain would be terrible. I think that's a lot of where suicide comes from. That lonely feeling. Like nobody understands. Which brings me to my point. Be someone else's rock if they need you. I've had lots of people come to me with their problems. It comes with being a good listener. And no matter how close I am to them i do my best to give them something to hold on to. There's no discrimination for me. Even my worst enemy could come to me and I would help them. And I think it all boils down to experience. If you've ever felt pain in the heart. You don't forget it quick. And I don't let myself forget. Similiar to the pain of veterans. They anguish they endured. We remember because they deserve our respect. We all deserve to learn from our pain. And not allow it to consume us. Regret is a useless emotion to me. When people ask me if I regret anything I'm slightly annoyed. Cause not only does it resurface some unwelcome thoughts, it assumes that I'm still hung up over them. No, to learn from our past is the way to go. Regret gets you nowhere. Just a bunch of lost sleep and empty bottles. And if I can help someone along the right path away from regret, i'm stoked on that. Be someone's rock if they need you. Signing out.

I'm baaack w/ Annoying Emotional Hurdles

Well I decided to kick this blog back up again. That's all that needs to be said about that. I wanted to talk about emotional hurdles. Specifically emotional hurdles relating to a breakup. I have some experience with the topic because I recently was broken up with. Just over a month ago. It was a painful experience. But I don't want to say it had no value or that it was a completely and utterly negative event. There's a couple different ways you can look at a split. And I chose to be as positive as possible. However, there are these emotional hurdles I had to overcome. They were almost like stages. I am still tackling these hurdles. Much to my annoyance. I accept the fact that I am single. And I know i'll never be with her again. From the beginning I never wanted to be 'that guy'. You know the one. He can't get over the break up and he calls/stalks/yells at his ex girlfriend all the time. I often see these types of things among people i know. Perfectly normal guys turn into psychotic losers. It's a shame. And I was not about to have that happen to me. Although there was still these emotional hurdles and one of them I found the 'hardest' was seeing her out in public. I'm not talking like at the grocery store. I would rather have a run-in like that. Cause then we could just make small talk. And it would stregthen a bond that would be entirely based on friendship. But at a nightclub? With alchohol involved? I just found that situation uncomfortable. Running into someone at the grocery store is not the same as watching my ex girlfriend dancing with another guy. Especially a guy that I know. It's a different kind of difficulty. And I'm kind of tired of this 'rip the bandaid riiight off' type of situations i find myself in. Like jeez, ignorance is bliss when it comes to that kind of stuff. I know she'll be with other people. But I don't need it paraded in front of me. Especially since it's like..i don't know i was just there to have fun. Heinrichs reacted hilariously. I don't think he really meant to. But he was like dr phil the whole night. "You have to get used to seeing her in social situations devon!!" And of course he's right. I just wish there was an easier way to slide into it. Like walking down a hill instead of cliff diving. When another one of my ex's showed up..well that was about time we found another place to party. Something I found fascinating was how much I still hate that girl. Just the way she was and how she treated me. We'll never be cool. At least I don't have that with shannon. I truly do believe shannon and I can be friends. I think thats something we both want. Hopefully. But yeah fuck emotional hurdles. I know they are necessary towards a full recovery. But does it have to be on my friday night? Signing out.