Oddly Placed Statues

Poverty find it's way downtown in the form of oddly placed statues
Poised in pain
Draped in neon lights
I see blood red KFC
Bright yellow Micky D's
A thin line between everything I ever wanted
Or sleaze and disease
Looking poor but mentally free
Cornered by the mob chanting buy now buy now
Be everything you ever wanted to be
Illusion of a devil in lingerie rolling my vice
Nah, I blew smoke towards the moon in isolation
A hard time growing up
Drinks poured and blunt tips blowing up
Tired fingers swiping on the latest app
As I shift uncomfortably
Right or left, matches or not, no matter
This isn't me
A Santa bag of excuses that served as self-stitched nooses
I wove em
Walked the plank on my own terms and concrete nose-dove em


dtr

Cory Wells "Patience" Official Music Video

Tear Journals

Last night I felt some kind of way. I've been working on controlling my anger for awhile now and things have been going well. But last night I was re-acquainted with the rage. It rose up quick and as usual took me awhile to come down. I ended up riding my skateboard fast and hard down Portage Avenue with the grittiest gangster beats in my headphones.

But then I get home and peel off my sweaty shirt. I toss my headphones to the side and sit on the side of the tub. I tend to cry in different ways. Lately the tears seem to force themselves out. Silent sobs because I have roommates and the expression of emotion feels shameful to a male in today's society.
Tears don't necessarily pour down my face. I think only a few actually made it from my face to the floor.

Funny my roommate's cat whom I've become on unofficial uncle towards wandered into the bathroom. She just seemed curious by the water falling off my face and nuzzling my leg. Hard to stay sad when a cute feline is expressing concern over you. My old dog Mochi was the same way. He wouldn't leave me alone when I cried and desperately tried to lick my face.

I don't have much else to add to this. But it's a human moment. Since I stopped smoking Cannabis I'm finding my emotions are all over the place. Some days are so bright and clear with optimism and hope. Other days I get out of bed straight into a storm cloud that follows me around for the day.

I appreciate the tears. I call them mental yoga. Tough at the time but also better for me in the long run.

dtr.

She's got this laugh the wind carries across the prairies
Causing flowers to bloom.
Pedals unfolding against the strain of my brain.
Told myself there was nobody for me.
Insane.
Addicted to being alone.
Sex with fuzzy faces.
Searching from my clothes in the dark
Seeing my breath in the air wondering why is it so cold in here?
But you were different
The sun hit my face through Victorian stained glass
Felt as natural as when the day met the night
And the sun slipped through God's fingers
I can empathize in a different way
When you're laying next to me I just want to hold tight to the night

My First (and hopefully last) One Night Stand.

Ever go for a stress run? What does that have to do with a one night stand?

Well it was a few summer's ago and I was headed home from work. I half-hardheartedly send a "what you up to?" text to a buddy. And just as I'm almost out of the Osborne Village and heading over the bridge he responds.

"Just with A (his girlfriend at the time) & C(one of her best friends), you should come hangout"

 Now my buddy M had been trying to link me up with this girl for awhile. I had turned down one opportunity and was probably too drunk the other time. (We were at a rave thing by the name of Full Blum )

So I pull that cord thingy that stops the bus and walk back to the Upstairs in the Village. A bar that gets mega packed sometimes. This night I got lucky and a bouncer recognized me from the restaurant I work at (Confusion Corner Drinks & Food) and I was allowed to skip the line. Upstairs has a cool little balcony patio that overlooks the village pretty well.

Well C was definitely beautiful. I'm talking Acro-Yoga posing on Instagram beautiful. And I'm stealing looks her way while sipping my drink and watching the smoke from my one-hitter slowly dissipate over the crowd below. 

The girls go to the bathroom together. And M and I have a conversation that goes like this.
M- "Man, you see that girl over there?"
D -"Yup"
M-"Go talk to her bro!"
D-"Ah, I dunno man"
M- "Man, I mean no offense by this, but what's up? You're a good looking guy, why don't you try?"
D- "I guess I just don't know her, I get self conscious and don't want to bother people" (This is my perpetual fear of denial showing itself)
M-"All good, I understand"

The conversation ends. The girls return to the table. And suddenly I have a new attitude. A "fire under my ass" as I've been saying lately. Common around bars and clubs are dude's selling roses. I have no idea how lucrative this endeavor is. And I've always turned them down with a laugh when they approached. But this time, while C wasn't looking, I discreetly buy a rose from the guy. I present the rose to her and A & M collectively "aww" and she loves it.

We end up leaving the Upstairs to grab some beer and wander around. We end up at some park and I slide closer and closer to C. Trying to convey my interest. Eventually we decide to head back to my buddies apartment. I sit next to C and finally gain the confidence to pull her over my lap. M & A get the vibe and head to bed.

As soon as they close the door to their bedroom we jump all over each other. I perform HORRIBLY. Way too many beers and way too many puffs on my good old one-hitter. She's patient with me but yeah it was couch sex after all and there was no space for us to really cuddle and fall asleep. It pains me to remember I suggested I "sleep on the other couch because there's no space"-To which she just responds "Are you for real?"

Nice Devon. You went from the slick rose move to essentially acting like a married dude who doesn't love his wife anymore. Or a cold hearted dick who doesn't care about how someone else feels.

Ever wake up with someone after a one-night stand? You could cut the awkwardness in the air with a knife. And as she leaves I grab her number, give her a quick kiss, and then poof! She's gone into the hot Winnipeg summer and I'm getting high-fives from my buddy.

But I don't feel..great. I don't feel bad. But not exactly great. I mull over what to do with the number she gave me. I know I have to reach out but I also don't know what the fuck to say. So I wait a day or so and fire off my most nonchalant acting text which just made me seem super douchey and equally careless.
"Hey, it's Devon. It's hot out there today! Stay cool" -Ahhhahaha I'm dying remembering this.

No response. And I never sent one again. My motto is "no response-IS a response" And it felt like shit. It's like my brain chemistry was confused. You sort of had sex there..did you not seek out a viable partner? I knew that logically it could never work. She was way younger than me. I shouldn't base expectations off a drunk hookup. That's all cold logic but the brain and heart don't always get along. It can be tough getting a bit older and losing your social circle. Everyone pairs off and gets married. People fit nicely into the main-stream life course plan. And then you're left with swipe apps and cold approaches with cold responses. Join a club they say. Get out there, they say. I'm a prisoner shuffling through the speed dating line.

I ended up going for a 10k run and broke my PR listening to the entire James Bay album. And I'll admit some hot tears streaked down my face and I let the wind dry them as it hit my face. Afterwards I took a shower and leaned my head on the cold linoleum. Afterwards I looked around my bachelor apartment and the walls seemed to close in on me.

Well, lesson learned. But hey, who knows?

dtr.

Not really an update.

Uh, yeah.

I'll start writing again soon.

The poetry lately has been trash. But so has my attitude. Both tends to be a reflection of the other.

I haven't had any semblance of romance in what feels like forever. So I've just been writing crappy poetry in regards to that. And better poetry about society.

Here's what's sitting in front of me now. So I can crumble up the page and throw it away. If it hurts me it should hurt you too.

Going for a dangerous ride
Scared of losing you so sometimes I lie
One hand on the wheel, the other on your thigh
Her feet up on the dashboard as she sings her favorite song
I can just live in that moment
But the truth comes out when things go long
Perhaps why I always wine and dine
Invite her back to my place
Into my personal space
Pulling her shirt over her head
She's so fine
But it never works and that should be a sign
Chasing beauty with my own insecurity
Looks good on the eyes
But I'm forever buried with my eyes
Blue eyes, all innocent
What a disguise


 Sick to my stomach
Give me some tums
When a child's dream flickers and fades like a light in the slums
I had it good growing up
Shave ice by the beach
Humbled, I devote my life to street outreach
Blackstar in the speakers
I can feel the city breathing in haggard breaths
Arteries clogged with unnecessary deaths
Graf on trains connecting the city as veins
Art from the heart going from cart to cart
Some cry vandalism
Yet destroy the environment with impunity
There's no function behind that destruction

dtr.


 

Icebergs

We were young.
We took it all for granted
Thought we needed it all
Now finding comfort in the little things
Life has a way of doing that
Steering you towards the light
Yet also giving an extensive tour of the darkness
I have this image in my mind
Thought I’d share
A face covered in lines and worry
Shifts into a long needed smile
My passions shift away from profits
What was once an iceberg now finds the sun it needs to bear life

dtr

A Cheap Tape Job

You tried to hit the rewind button on life too many times
Should've known it doesn't work that way
Now the tape is jammed in the system and requiring careful hands to repair
I know the struggle all too well
When a shred of tape is all I could rely on to keep things going
I know the struggle and will meet you halfway there
I know all too well to just need someone there
No words
Just hands on your shoulders wishing I could take the pain away
And some poems aren't easy to write
Problems not so easy to right
If only words could ease
If only words could soothe you tonight.

dtr.

Light of My Mind

I've waded through dark thoughts

Stumbled through the attic of my mind

Catching my feet on unseen obstacles

Face hitting the floor, the taste of blood in my mouth

I picked myself up and brushed off the dust

A new day, tomorrow is a new day

My father would say

Well, if I must go on I will go on

Eventually I come across a window

It's slanted light illuminating a notebook on the floor

I sit down and run my hands along the pages

Hours later I was still there, with that book

Yet a different kind

A different man using the light of my mind

dtr