Taxi Cab Confessions

I take inspiration from strange things.

Like tonight. Heading home..I've never felt so alone.

Yet, so free.

I feel good about being able to write this. But I also feel that these moments come with a price.

It wasn't much. I know that people reading this are expecting something to have actually happened. But all I really did was catch a cab home from work. The only thing, I don't call a cab to the restaurant I work at I usually walk down to the bar district close by and just hop into one of the ten cabs that permanently sit there and rotate from back to front.

The usual crowd was there. Drunk and munching on pizza. Some were dancing. Some arguing. It was the same old same old but some nights I'm amazed at how life can strike you as so oddly beautiful. Or ugly, I mean it's all kind of one thing really. It's this whole beautiful and ugly picture of what alcohol does to people. I stand in stark contrast. Stone cold sober and rather impatient waiting in line for some greasy pizza to take home with me.

I get in this cab and the first thing I notice is a greasy paper plate from the very same pizza place I was just at. I'm instantly uncomfortable. The walls around me seem to be closing in. I find immediate statisfaction in lowering my window completely and shoving my head outside. Cruising down portage on a cool evening after spending ten hours in a kitchen is quite nice. I check my phone and scan through the instagram photos and I'm again hit with this feeling that can be either good or bad. But I'm a rather isolated guy from the rest of the world. I don't know exactly when it all happened either. But I spend an extraordinary time by myself outside of work.

It's hard to really put into perspective for you guys. But looking through those photos gave me the feeling of peeking through the window of other lives. And I know the internet is this huge mirage of success and fun because people have the power to present themselves in a certain way on the internet and they use that power. I think we all do. From the snazzy profile pic to the updates of our world travels.

I'm more alone than i've ever been in my entire life (don't worry mom) and i'm also changing as an individual. Have you ever felt yourself changing? I guess people call this growing up. My friends are busy people. Two of my closest friends are in Orlando right now cheering their asses off at worlds. I hope they know they lift me up in a different way. And I haven't really had the chance to just sit down and have a beer with them in what feels like forever. April has just been sliding by..(This is a total trail off of thought and now I'll return)

But I digress. I'm sitting in this cab and i'm on my phone flipping through everyone's lives and steadily becoming convinced that I'm always going to be alone. It's the balance that I need to find. Because here I am groaning about loneliness but I choose it most of the time. I tend to feel alone in large crowds. Preferring a quieter setting with a good conversation.

My god, I love a good conversation. And so I look up and try my luck with the cab driver. He's startled by my sudden voice. But we get to talking and he's from the Ukraine. Came here because of the violence. I suppose this is the Canadian dream. His wife is a school teacher, he has two kids. They do what they have to do to make the ends meet. We talked politics, the war, society. Soon i'm in front of my apartment. Maybe a little too soon. I know the walls will close in again. I tip him well. He swivels in his seat, suprised, and thanks me earnestly.

Nah, thank you.

I drag myself up the stairs and start the water for my nightly bath. My brain pulses with creativity. My body aches and I remind myself to:
a)always have a cold beer or gin and tonic waiting for me at home
b)to get a fucking car already
c) write more

A girl at my work is leaving and it sucks because, she's everything a poet needs to be inspired. You'd have to meet her. But I wrote something not necessarily about her. I don't ever really write about people in specific. I find it stifles creativity. But it's the aura people release sometimes. Some people are just characters.

She was cultured
The world behind the words she spoke
Had been to the moon and back
Still she'd rather hangout in bed
Watching old sitcoms
Blowing dust off cd-roms
Playing mixes I made and sweated over a little too much
Trying to find something in myself I could never touch
Tried to hide my cold eyes with lavish gestures and vicious lies
But she believed in me.
I swear..I
Lost my train of thought
I just saw the bright lights dissapear
No choice but to trail away

 

 If you drive really fast down the main strip. Things become a blur. And you can just feel the energy. The heartbeat of the city. 

-Dev

 

Are We Free?

I remember my intro Sociology course beginning with the professor saying matter-of-factly: "Despite what you all may think or feel..none of you are free"

And then the rest of the course proved that we are really at the whim of larger societal forces.

I've often wrestled with this idea. My lack of freedom. Especially bothersome to me is freedom of thought. The old prison analogy "you can lock my body but never my mind" has always rung true to me. Despite being behind bars a prisoner can still free their mind through literature, poetry, and all other forms of art.

But how large of a role does society play in my so-called "freedom of mind"
How large of a role did my upbringing, parents divorce, and my travels play into my current mindset?

It seems one of those impossible questions. But I will say I do feel I have some freedoms that aren't influenced entirely by outside forces.

Something that comes to mind is how I interpret my actions and the actions of others. I find that we too-often get caught up in a certain moment or day. We do have the freedom to be positive, to connect with others, and to forgive. This is a human nature freedom. Despite my sociologys professor's claim that "we aren't free". We actually have the power to interpret our world in a certain way. And in doing so, we can create the world around us. Our perspectives will play a large role in how our lives will go (and how they are going now)

This was all inspired by an incident that occured on the bus earlier today. The bus had filled up and there was a man sitting in the back with a duffle bag placed on the seat beside him. A woman approached and asked if he could move her bag so she could sit there. The man refused. Not for any real reason besides that "he paid his fare" and "carried this bag all day". Despite several other people (including me, and i'll get to that in a second) telling him to move the bag..he flatly refused.

Now, here's a guy who has chosen his fate. He has distanced himself from his fellow humans in such a way that he cannot comprehend the idea that perhaps this woman had a long day and just wanted a seat on the bus going home.

Later on during the ride, a man offered a woman carrying some shopping bags a seat. She politely declined. The seat-denier spoke up: "You see, you offer people things and they don't even take it, if you ask me we live in a stupid society"

So be it. But unfortunately things escalated. He was especially pissing off a rather big guy sitting in the seat next to the bag. This guy repeatedly told him to move his bag and became angrier and angrier over the course of the ride. Nearing downtown, I watched him put his music away and I knew he was going to do something. The big guy grabs the bag and tries to wrestle it out of the hands of the seat-denier. Letting him know: "you're lucky we're on camera right now buddy"

And what do I do? Give the seat-denier the finger like a little kid. 

My freedom is my ability to understand I took things too far. I understand the overall frustration of the situation. But part of my ideology is to connect with people. Yeah, the guy was being a prick. But yelling obscenities and attempting to grab his bag took things too far. Because it's also his freedom to disconnect.

I'm often torn between the urge to punch people and hug them. I know for a fact that the altercation that occured on that bus was unhealthy for all our minds. Our frustration overshadowed rationality. And the seat-denier just has another reason to "hate society"

We have freedom of choice. Well, at least I hope so. But I do know i'm really working to fix my mistakes and not allow my emotions to get the better of me. My future depends on me believing in things I do and say.

All I know is I'll be approaching a situation like that differently next time.

And that, my readers, is my freedom.

-Dev

What Is Love?

since I was a young boy love has never changed meaning for me
it has always been a rarity
something to be fought for and written about in novels and poetry books
love can never be sold, never commodified
it is the single thing that remains pure in our environment
love and beauty go together like puzzle pieces
because what we love is beautiful
and we tend to make love under beautiful circumstances
love is more than sex
love is connection
love for human beings means no politics
no religious text
humans can write about love
they can attempt to cage love and restrict love amongst humans
but humanity can never explain love
we fear love the same way we fear death
because the inevitability of love means once you're in love
you have no choice in the matter
love is below this poem
an empty space for you to place your own words

-Dev

Bend Curves

ive been known to write a love poem or two
but nothing could be put into writing baby
when it comes to me and you
a little rhyme to capture a little time
a little moment in life
when a bit your lip
and you curled your toes
we both shared our secret through glances amongst church rows
despite the late night fight
i find myself tangled all up in you in the morning light
forgive me for staring
but not being a scientest
or a physcist alike
i swear the light bends along your curves
and i'll pretend to sleep and catch a glimpse
while you get dressed and leave
always on the run, a woman of the world
i'm stuck in this little city holding onto that night

dev

Catch Me

you broke a glass
and I saw you crying and I was trying
to tell you everything was just fine
but it wasn't
the apartment was a mess
we didn't even sweep it up
broken in so many places
so many fights
so far away from the bright new york lights
where I pressed you up against the balcony
your dress pulled up around your waist
we were perfect love making strangers
the type of love we all just fall backwards into
with no thought of tomorrows dangers
catch me.

how did it get to this
pulled you out of the rain
hiding on a strangers porch I stole my first kiss
you looked at me with those suprised eyes
and I knew
oh I knew
you'd believe all my lies

the tears that fell down your face breathed life
they breathed life into your stoic heart
now you paint out pain in art
i run my hands along your back
drifting by your collarbone
to your chest
thinking how lucky of a man am I?
that I could still touch you.

catch me.

whatever it means
just catch me
and i'll catch you to.

-d.r

Planet Of the Apes