Nightmares

Ever get a horrible thought stuck in your head and can't get rid of it?

I just recently watched the movie Dagon

I've been reading HP lovecraft for awhile now. I just came across him at the library and picked up this real thick book of short stories he's written. A few movies have been made from his stories and Dagon was one of them. The thing about about all of lovecrafts movie adaptions is..the acting kind of sucks.These aren't big budget movies whatsoever. But what the acting lacks, it makes up for in general fucked upness.

But long story short I watched Dagon and now I feel as if the side of my couch has some sort of scaly skin. Like a ripply sort of skin. Ugh even describing it gives me the shivers. Please let this mental horror leave my mind.

-Dev

Tears

when the giant cries the world shakes
and everyone feels his pain

when the tiny man cries the tears collect at his feet
and if he's lucky they will take him away

and when the tough man cries he angrily brushes them away
he stand in the mirror fists clenched to face the new day

when the poet cries the pen loses grip
he walks down sunset drive looking for company and wine to sip

when the mother cries she must hide them from her children
for they must not know that pain, not yet

all these tears falling hopefully to help us grow
so let not those tears go to waste

hold on to the moments.

-dev

The Inevitability of Life

No matter what, we will experience things.

And yes, this is a rather obvious statement. But for example, lately my life has been pretty absent of major life events/changes. I take it for granted, but also crave change. But when the time does come ( and it will) will I be so happy to accept it?

And what about those bad life events. The inevitable break up (stats show the majority of us won't be together until the end) or the loss of friends by way of life and death? The death of family members? MY death?

It is all so inevitable.

A co-worker of mine had his last shift at the restaurant today. He had been with the company for 6 years. And I mean, for the restaurant industry, that's a pretty long time. It sure feels like a long time to me when I think about the fact that six years ago I had just graduated high school. And i've never been with a job for more than 3 years ( good old mcdonalds). He seemed sad. And I mean rightfully so. We attach ourselves to places and people. And the inevitability of life shows that soon we will have to say goodbye.

"That's life, you know?, sometimes you have to move on"  I said

And for a moment I just sat there. And I thought about how i'm some ape hurtling through space on some giant land mass. I just felt..helpless. Helpless towards life because LIFE HAPPENS and it happens in a certain direction which is filled with love and happiness but also filled with death and heartbreak.

And you must move on from all this in order to grow. But the point of it all..well I can't be so sure. There are many religions that could fill that void. But I prefer to remain a humble ape.

A humble ape just fucking and crying and hugging and just moving through this inevitable life.

-Dev

Poetry At The Strip Club

I can't hit the strip clubs
I catch all the bad angles
Tired eyes
Bodies twisting and turning on floors glistened with sweat
Bright lights on the vlt let's bet
Behind the makeup she tries to forget
Or maybe i'm talking shit
It's every womens right to get naked
But i'm looking around me curious
Wheres the celebration
Tears and fears, the faces salivate they rate they hate they snakes and fakes I can't see straight
I'm wasted and I've had enough of greed
Let it rain
Walking home I hop puddles
And wonder the stories of those I don't know
If an outstretched hand would be accepted without suspicion
Not here to fuck let's pour some tea
And tell me who you really are
Not what they want you to be.

-Dev

Salt Wound Words

I cringe and writhe under your salt wound words
It's all over now
So why why why
Are you still speaking
My phone rings in the depths of night
I know its you
Leave me be
Let me sleep
But in the end I answer
As if anything could be different

It'll never be different
And i'm packing up all patched up heading on my way
You've got plenty phrases up your sleeve
Slick things to say
The sober night sits so still
Punctured by your drunken words
Trying to stumble back into my life

Your explanations bring back old sensations
I get it we don't work don't sweat it don't say another thing
Go away.
Don't need your salt wound words today.

 -Dev

Thoughts

Every once in awhile i'll go out with a friend who still hasn't grasped the concept of alcohol +girls+social situations.

Call me a bit of an old man. But fist fights at the bar are PRETTY unecessary. I mean, unless we're saving lives here, I'd rather not find myself behind repeatedly struck in the head by some battle hungry bouncer. I came to the club for a good time. Not amateur MMA matches.

When speaking to girls, my recommendation is that you actually SPEAK to them. Some friends of mine can't seem to carry on any real conversation with females. They simply yell at them from across the bar. Or they are still on the whole impression that insulting the female will win them over. This isn't middle school anymore.  Nothing is worse than standing directly beside your friend while he accosts a female and she's just giving both of us this look like "really?" I'M NOT WITH HIM..WELL I AM..BUT YEAH

I'm sure females can relate to the friend who hasn't been able to grasp the concept of limitations when consuming alchohol.

With males it's less stumbling around and crying, more fist fights and yelling. Ah, how simple the division between males and females become when we're shit faced.

-Dev

Good Vibes

My job has been going through a lot of employees as of lately. Some are new hires that just don't stick around. And a couple are employees that have been there for years.

I mean, it's natural for kitchens to have a large turn-over rate. For many, kitchen work is not the career they are aspiring for. So kitchens tend to be a sort of "pit stop" for people on their way to something else. There's also a little bit of uncomfortable truth that kitchen workers can be well..scummy. I mean I work in a kitchen and don't find myself scummy and I work with others who I don't find scummy. But time and time again you'll see what could have been a very talented cook who just can't seem to lay of the booze and drugs.

Like I said, kitchens have a large turn-over rate. But what i've been noticing lately is the attitude of many of these people leaving the company. They seem to harbour some kind of inner guilt about the whole situation. They have all gone to certain lengths to explain to me why they are quitting. Which involves a certain amount of bad mouthing about the company. I find it irritating for a couple reasons:

1) HEY I STILL WORK HERE AND ACTUALLY DON'T MIND IT

2) It's not my job to make anyone feel better about their own decisions. I hate when I find myself in the situation of having someone spray their insecure verbal diarhhea in my direction. At the end of the day you must answer to yourself. If you are quitting, then simply quit, work your last shifts, and move on. Why are all these seemingly grown men acting like children? Nobody gives two shits about a worker who just started, his issues, or his problems with the company. Everyone wants to make it seem like they are making the right decisions. But I don't care! It's not my job to rub your back and tuck you in at night.

Good vibes people. Despite maybe disliking my kitchen very much, why not leave on a positive note?

Humble the fuck up.

-Dev

Suburbia Walls

Thick walled surburbia feeds the fear
Of heading out into the inner city
Those are strange directions
Hands held out
Dirty bubbles rise at intersections
But what of the heart?
The heart of the city.
A place where portage and main meet
A place of shame and pity
Close your eyes as you pass higgins and main
Salvation army fighting a losing war against pain

Cheap hotels line the north end
The dim lights form the yellow teeth of the capitalist smile
I want to burn it all down
But children are trapped in smoke filled basements
They are future artists
Singers and
Dreams that form in the clouds they stare at
It only takes one person to give two shits
Warm cold fingers with mitts
Before a hungry belly chases the bloody dollar

Irony is innocent until proven guilty
And aint it ironic how we view status
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Yeah, they had us.
Even back then...
So when one pursues riches from drugs they are horrible and weak
But the very same people will laugh at one who works at mcdonalds
Get a real job make money like us earn a status
Without any real options provided you see
Unless you're born in the good part of town
Unless you have 25k to spend on a degree

-Dev

Waiting on Summer

I see the origins of sprirituality
Man look at sky
Man wonder why
He gotta die he gotta cry
Priest tells me imma fish fry
I sigh, collect my thoughts
Just a human being I kick rocks
 Down never ending streets
I breathe off slick rhymes and dope beats
Church on every block I see
A desperate spirituality
Searching for answers to unexplained cancers
Broken legs on dancers
Fast cars smash and clash twisted metal
Life slips through the fingers like a pedal
A holy book wielded by a well dressed crook
Diamond covered hands turn the pages
Feeding rages and has us
Accepting shitty wages
Holes in the walls
Rotten ronnie preaches to the nation
Fast food salvation
Eat it up eat it up
I got that crack snack
Wrapping all the answers in tin foil
I got those words that'll have you coming back
Here's a deal
Your soul for a value meal
Don't mind these gold teeth
Don't mind this painted face
I keep it real




-Dev

Life as an Illegal Immigrant in Greece

Mama Don't Cry

You would trace words on my back while we sat up with sleep far off into the prarie backdrop
Funny how time seems so limitless when the hot red sun slips through gods fingers
We just have this night..
I want to tug and pull at the hours
I never want to see the light

Life is characterized by those moments in which we feel most alive
All the tears all the smiles all the shouts all the whispers all the hands held together
The difference between having someone and being alone during stormy weather
The strength of being alone juxtapositioned with the hunger for an embrace
A sensual kiss that means everything
So fucking furious because...

I won't let it, I won't fucking let it get to me.

Latley i've been tearing myself apart with self responsibility
The world heavy on my shoulders
I'm buckling under every failed attempt at forming a connection
I'm asking how much of this is just me
And how much is just life.

Mama don't cry cause I don't wanna die
I just feel more now since I've stopped getting high

Mama don't cry cause I don't wanna die
I just feel more now since i've stopped getting high

-Dev

The Curse Of Empathy

I want to start off this post with a story about my older sister Meaghan. Who I hope doesn't mind me telling this story. BUT i'm pretty sure she doesn't read this blog anyways :) It's not a unique story really, this happens all the time. But this was a rather striking example of the "curse of empathy" that Meaghan and I share. I have three sisters, and Meg and I are the most alike. Very down to earth connective individuals. Great, right? I mean, being able to connect with others sounds like a great trait for a person to have. Someone to listen to and connect with any problems you have. Someone to put themselves in your shoes. A true friend in every sense of the word. Sounds great right?

Well let me tell the story before continuing.

My older sister Meaghan met a friend while living in Vancouver working as a social worker. The friend was a lawyer or something like that. It was a typical friendship, they went out for drinks, chatted..gossiped..that whole kind of thing.
Then the friend revealed that she was planning on moving to Toronto. For some reason that is unrelated to the story. So Meaghan wished her the best of luck and hoped they could still be friends despite the distance. The usual routine people go through when one moves. Good luck, and hopefully we see eachother again. Typical stuff.

At the time Meaghan was looking to upgrade her B.A in Social Work to a Masters degree. She was deciding on a school in which to do this. Guess where Meaghan was considering? The University of Toronto, which has one of the oldest social work programs in the country.

It was not officially decided but Meaghan excitedly told her friend over dinner that they may in fact still be able to hang out as she may still be living in the city. However, how the friend reacted was quite unexpected. The friend did not like the fact that Meaghan was considering moving to Toronto. No no no, the friend was not happy with this. The friend was adament that Meaghan was becoming too clingy. She was convinced that Meaghans decision to attend the University of Toronto was simply to reside in the same city as her. And with that, the friend abruptly left the restaurant. Leaving Meaghan in tears.

So, what happened here? Well the feeling in my sisters heart was that of a broken connection. And the curse of empathy is that this connection was formed in a quick and trusting way. The curse of empathy is that we reach out to others. And sometimes our hands are slapped away.

Now, was the friend a narcisistic psycho? Seems very likely. However, people who form connections easily often find themselves hurt in a world that supports hacking and slashing. People tend to look out for themselves, and friendships are only as valuable as to what you get out of them. When a friendship seems to carry too much weight. SLICE. Goodbye. You've gotten too close and need to back off.

And of course this carries over to romantic relationships. I'm the worst for this. I tend to think that because someone is sleeping with me they like me and want to be with me. Hah, that's a funny one right? I was recently seeing ( whatever you call hanging and banging) a girl who went for a four week trip to Peru. Once she returned, she was oddly distant. I asked what's up and she had met someone else while on the trip. The frustrating thing was how I had to reach out and ask what was up. She seemed to think that whatever we had before she left meant nothing. And she was "waiting until I said something"...She was "going to say something". Right, but when? No she wasn't going to say anything and was hoping i'd just fade away.

The curse of empathy is not something that can be fixed. It's this dilemma i've had my whole life. I so badly want to be a heartless asshole. Haha! Because despite the storybook bullshit we get fed that empathy is such a valuable trait..it's really not. No, it's more like a curse.

The one upside is that if you give it time, you will meet someone like you. And that connection will become something very special. Right now I have a very small circle of friends..but they are family. They will be the uncles of my children. But try as I might, I still fall way too fast and too hard. And people tend to take more from an empathetic person than they give back.

"Thanks for everything, all the love and support, I really appreciate it, I'll be on my way now!"

-Dev

Just a little break from studying.

You got those friendly eyes
Part of that cruel disguise
I'm so caught up in you
I took off early
Ditched the crew
Just to cross a shaky bridge
And throw rocks by the riverside
I've been a little lost
Without you by my side

-Dev

Sorry!

I have LOTS to share. But..life is hectic until next week wednesday.

After that, we're going to have some fun.

Thanks for reading.

-Dev