The Curse Of Empathy

I want to start off this post with a story about my older sister Meaghan. Who I hope doesn't mind me telling this story. BUT i'm pretty sure she doesn't read this blog anyways :) It's not a unique story really, this happens all the time. But this was a rather striking example of the "curse of empathy" that Meaghan and I share. I have three sisters, and Meg and I are the most alike. Very down to earth connective individuals. Great, right? I mean, being able to connect with others sounds like a great trait for a person to have. Someone to listen to and connect with any problems you have. Someone to put themselves in your shoes. A true friend in every sense of the word. Sounds great right?

Well let me tell the story before continuing.

My older sister Meaghan met a friend while living in Vancouver working as a social worker. The friend was a lawyer or something like that. It was a typical friendship, they went out for drinks, chatted..gossiped..that whole kind of thing.
Then the friend revealed that she was planning on moving to Toronto. For some reason that is unrelated to the story. So Meaghan wished her the best of luck and hoped they could still be friends despite the distance. The usual routine people go through when one moves. Good luck, and hopefully we see eachother again. Typical stuff.

At the time Meaghan was looking to upgrade her B.A in Social Work to a Masters degree. She was deciding on a school in which to do this. Guess where Meaghan was considering? The University of Toronto, which has one of the oldest social work programs in the country.

It was not officially decided but Meaghan excitedly told her friend over dinner that they may in fact still be able to hang out as she may still be living in the city. However, how the friend reacted was quite unexpected. The friend did not like the fact that Meaghan was considering moving to Toronto. No no no, the friend was not happy with this. The friend was adament that Meaghan was becoming too clingy. She was convinced that Meaghans decision to attend the University of Toronto was simply to reside in the same city as her. And with that, the friend abruptly left the restaurant. Leaving Meaghan in tears.

So, what happened here? Well the feeling in my sisters heart was that of a broken connection. And the curse of empathy is that this connection was formed in a quick and trusting way. The curse of empathy is that we reach out to others. And sometimes our hands are slapped away.

Now, was the friend a narcisistic psycho? Seems very likely. However, people who form connections easily often find themselves hurt in a world that supports hacking and slashing. People tend to look out for themselves, and friendships are only as valuable as to what you get out of them. When a friendship seems to carry too much weight. SLICE. Goodbye. You've gotten too close and need to back off.

And of course this carries over to romantic relationships. I'm the worst for this. I tend to think that because someone is sleeping with me they like me and want to be with me. Hah, that's a funny one right? I was recently seeing ( whatever you call hanging and banging) a girl who went for a four week trip to Peru. Once she returned, she was oddly distant. I asked what's up and she had met someone else while on the trip. The frustrating thing was how I had to reach out and ask what was up. She seemed to think that whatever we had before she left meant nothing. And she was "waiting until I said something"...She was "going to say something". Right, but when? No she wasn't going to say anything and was hoping i'd just fade away.

The curse of empathy is not something that can be fixed. It's this dilemma i've had my whole life. I so badly want to be a heartless asshole. Haha! Because despite the storybook bullshit we get fed that empathy is such a valuable trait..it's really not. No, it's more like a curse.

The one upside is that if you give it time, you will meet someone like you. And that connection will become something very special. Right now I have a very small circle of friends..but they are family. They will be the uncles of my children. But try as I might, I still fall way too fast and too hard. And people tend to take more from an empathetic person than they give back.

"Thanks for everything, all the love and support, I really appreciate it, I'll be on my way now!"

-Dev