comfortable mixing pain with pleasure

old songs give me the chance to reminisce on the past
i feel like i've sat here slumped in my chair
watching it all slip away in an hourglass
if i only I held on tighter to the moments that seem to define me
or i allow them to
so maybe i'm weak?
i've been missing the smell of your hair for weeks and weeks
trying to be tough
i plaster on a smile and run a painful mile
running into reminders at every corner
but really it's rolling over in an empty bed that really defines it
being alone
drawing on my wall
huge scrawls dedicated to the imaginary girl.

deep breaths
they say count to ten
but i've counted to ten over and over again
hoping that my heart agrees with my head
cause we can't do this anymore
gotta gain some strength in the mind
cause as my body dies my brain lives on.
closest thing to a soul i can come up with

i understand long days
when it seems the whole world is tugging you in every which way
getting home I unfasten my tie
slump down in front of my hourglass
and cry.
blinking through the tears i hear voices
from all directions
your crying?
what kind of man are you?
i close my eyes and can smell the ice now
as i fell and blood flowed from my nose.
i taught myself to skate despite all the cuts and bruises.
i'm trying to relate defining childhood moments with my current situation.
in order to pull from that strength
that innocence.

a beautiful city is empty without love
a soft voice in your ear like music
don't take my sound away
take the city
the meaningless roads and signs and lights
i'm illuminated in a different way
powered by experience
what goes up must come down
but i want to avoid the uncomfortable slide from the top
so lets just stay here in this little place of my mind
this little fantasy i have of us smoking a J
downing a bottle of rum
shedding our clothes beside the fire

i'll let you fill in the blanks.
you know to me love is the only thing that actually exists
its the one thing that brings all humans together
we need love in our lives.
and everyone deserves it.
you know it's not so much different than when we were small children.
and we took those precarious first steps.
and i think we all need the comfort of knowing there's a hand to pick us up.
when it all comes crashing down.

the cold ice...
am I a man yet?