I wrote a blog post earlier about being depressed. And while the writing made me feel better at the time..I eventually slipped back into the funk I was experiencing before.
This started to worry me. I became worried that I was actually becoming depressed. At the very least, experiencing depressed episodes. I'm a generally even emotioned guy. I don't have highs and lows unless something is occuring in my life. I've had some tough times, and the highs and lows generally come from those times. But lately my life has been boring-but not depressive. Well that's what I was telling myself. I was so confused as to why I had this bi-polar set of emotions. It was so unlike the usual devon. The mild-mannered tough-to-life devon. And well my readers..we all have to hit a bit of rock bottom to realize what's actually going on.
This is going to be a rather long post. Just giving a warning. Feel free to leave at a certain paragraph and come back later. But the main goal is to keep you reading.
Let's begin with this "nice guy" complex that is my best attribute and worst enemy at times. All my life girls have told me "your such a nice guy devon" or "your so sweet" "your so cute" "your not like those assholes out there devon". And i'm torn on these statements because I feel being a nice guy has worked in my advantage..but also to my disadvantage. Lately i've been quite moody and depressed. I've found myself in these strange negative moods. Just laying on the couch reliving past events. Most is shit I should have gotten over already. So to multiple on my shitty mood..i'm blaming myself for getting worked up over petty shit.
The "nice guy" thing has to end. And i've struggled with this decision over the past couple weeks. But i've realized that a lot of my shitty mood has a lot to do with recent events. Especially the last girl I saw..or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Let's just say the last girl I slept with really fucked with me. She treated me in a way that some of the worst guy's I know treat girls. I can honestly say she got away with a lot of what she did because I was so busy being a nice guy. An "understanding guy" I should say. But I realized today that i'm not doing myself any favours by pretending everything is ok. As a matter of fact, i'm really pissed off by what that girl did to me. I decided to write down my rant. And it was an ugly and brutal rant. I can say with full certainty that I could have destroyed that girl and her reputation amongst my followers with that rant. I wrote it all down and decided to delete it. I had gotten it all out. And I figured enough time has past since we last saw eachother. It wasn't going to be useful to bring up old ghosts. But what's important is my realization i'm sick of being the "nice guy".
Devon Reid is no longer the "nice guy". It's not a title that I will hold proudly anymore. And any female that decides she's going to fuck around with my emotions is going to feel the wrath. But this isn't a post about how "tough" I am. I've let people walk all over for me for far too fucking long. And this is me saying i'm not going to allow myself to be played a fool. I did myself a dis-service by holding it all in. I lied to myself and said "it's ok" but it really wasn't.
FOR NOW I HAVE MY OWN BACK. AND THIS ISN'T ME PUSHING THE WORLD AWAY. THIS IS ME SAYING I'M GOING TO FIGHT BACK. I HAVE LET THE PAST GO. BUT THE FUTURE WILL BE DIFFERENT.
I've spoken of the benefits of being a nice guy before. If you are a nice guy you will attract a nice girl. But you will also be taken advantage of. My problem is that i've let people get away with doing that. It's not right, and i'm damn well going to make that clear.
So perhaps this isn't the death of "nice devon" but a reformation of him. I'm changing the rules and boundaries to my life.
Allow me to enter the future a new man. Let me believe in love. Let me smell the flowers. But sharpen my sword. Instill in me the courage to face the world with the courage of a lion and the tenderness of a young cub. But it must be known a new age has come. No more hiding. No more fucking holding back for this man.
Sincerely, the realest words I've ever spoken.
-d.r
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