Late Night Musings

I'm only writing this in a public setting because I know people will read-relate-and relax.

Depression is something that comes in various degrees. It can range from day to day moodyness to complete immobility and lack of function. So while I would describe myself as "depressed" lately, it's not necessarily a kind that I find dangerous to myself or others.

I came home from work today and realized how much I wanted to be back. Which is funny because while i'm at work the general vibe is like "let's close up quick" and "let's get out of here fast tonight boys". Which is perfectly understanable. Aside from a slightly bigger paycheque, why be there if you don't have to?

Today we were generally dead. And while I appreciated the unusual slowness of a saturday night, another side of me didn't want to come home. In fact, lately i've been dreading coming home. Home for me is a little apartment. And it's not so much the size. I figure i'd feel this way in a big mansion. Because in a big mansion i'd probably hangout in the room with the computer and t.v anyways. I always found that slightly entertaining about big houses. They have all these "show rooms" that never get used except the ocassional dusting from the maid. Or living rooms with no television? What's up with that?

I digress. I've been feeling down lately. And I really feel it's because i'm lonely. And the really annoying part is I think I exude lonelyness and that might push people away. What person ( guy or girl) wants to hangout with a desperate-for-company person? I have my small group of friends. And I love them but i'm drifting from them. My philosophies and goals in life are changing. And i'm caught in this weird between worlds..I guess a real world purgatory. Where when I reach for my phone..there's nobody to call or text.

The social work program denial plays into it. I don't want to go back to u of w. The thought of walking the halls there and attending classes there is unappealing. I want to be at a new university and I want a fresh start. My family encourages me to get out of the city. It's a gameplan they've been pushing on me for awhile. And lately, that seems like a very logical option. But it needs to be for the right reasons right? Don't run away from our problems right? However, I think being a lonely dude who doesn't see much of a future in Wpg as a pretty good reason.  But where to go?

I have this issue with re-invention. If I am to re-invent myself then it must mean I am not happy with myself. But I like who Devon is. I'm down with myself! So the key seems to lie in the purpose. Do I want to make changes in my life because I feel inadequate? Or is it rather because i'm craving change? And then the key balance. The tap dance between loving oneself and pursuing a new self at the same time. I feel better already, getting a few words down and some frustration out. I know things will pick up. And I should probably book off a weekend close to the end of august. Before classes start and i'm busy with that.

It's funny cause you'd think i'm longing for a woman in my life. But i'd rather not be in a relationship. The idea seems unappealing. And i've written about this before but i'll touch on it again. I feel like i'm in a transition stage not only in life but also in my personality. A relationship means anchors. They are meant more for people who are comfortable with these things. Young couples face a minefield of problems. As we grow and our partners do not include that growth. Those who make it through this time are more products of luck. They walked the same troublesome path and managed to not blow themselves to bits.

We're all walking this troublesome path. And I take a little comfort in the fact that i'm not the only young adult with late-night musings.

I'm taking up kick-boxing in the fall. And despite having to do another couple of terms at u of w..i'm excited for classes.

Well, stay strong and face each new day with an upbeat attitude.

My readers, keep those chins up. Things will get better.

Over and out.

-d.r