Growing up religion was never really a part of my life. My family didn't attend church and when I asked my dad what religion we were he answered "protestant". But my dad's not a religious man and i think he said that just to shut me up. He had a lot of one liners to shut me up when I got too nosy. Anyways, growing up the church was around. I always saw it and wondered why people go. I knew religion was important to people. Even as a child I knew that it defined the lives of people. I knew it was a very important thing to some people. And in fact I still understand and respect that. At this point in time I liked the idea of god and heaven. I liked the idea of hanging out with loved ones etc etc. Bouncing on clouds and seeing dead celebrities lol
When I was in grade nine I was approached by a guy who was into street hockey. At the time I was living in Hawaii so it was difficult to find a white dude into street hockey. This guy asked me to hangout. Told me he was part of a youth group. I knew it was a slighty religious group. But the situation didn't make itself clear until I was in the thick of it all. I remember the first day clearly. The guy came and picked me up and took me to a religious store. It was called the giving tree I remember that. In the store we gathered around a table and did bible study. I didn't have a bible to I borrowed one. It was dry, I tried to stay involved. I felt pressured to maintain a sort of religious demeanor. I was not a religious at that time and i'm suure it showed. After the bible study we packed into a large van and headed to the church. Along the way we picked up other people and blessed a lady in a burger king parking lot. I felt fucking foolish to be honest ahaha laughing out loud right now! Once we got to the church things were a bit cooler. There were cute girls, albeit religious, and the church was more like a nightclub. There were good bands playing and we all danced and had fun. Nearing the end of the service they called anyone who hadn't been to the church before up to the front. They welcomed us. I felt like king shit. I belonged.I was part of something. This detail is important because it's a glimpse into the attractiveness of religion..especially a born again church as this was. People go to church for the community and the belonging. There is a certain kind of self confidence that is gained from faith.
I was taken to a side room with about ten other people. There I was sat down in a chair and spoken to one on one with some dude. I really don't know what made him the dude to talk me lol. But he asked me who I wanted to pray for. And I pulled some shit out of my ass "My mom and brother" so he then begins to chant in tounges. Aabajba,bab like fuck I dunno what he was saying. I learned later that toungues is a human connecting with god and using his voice or something. Sounded to me like he learned some obscure chant.
It raised my eyebrows and defined the rest of my experience at that church.
In the following weeks the dude who had originally invited me became more and more agressive with his "invites"
I don't remember exactly how but I remember being felt pressured into going. Like here was this moral thing I should be doing. And if i skipped it, was I a good person?
Again..some manipulation there. The idea that morality is bred from religious doctrine. In fact the last couple times I went completely out of guilt. I just felt like jeez I should probably go.
Sometimes the church would have a few of us stand on the sidewalks outside the church and hand out flyers. Looking back on this pisses me off. Like do your own advertising you shitheads.
The cash grabs continued. This church offered get aways to cleanse the soul. All with a hefty price tag. But you would be born again! Except it's going to cost close to $1500 on some camping trip. Bulllshit.
The entire time I attended the church my guilt grew. I didn't believe any of it. I tried my best to grasp certain elements of christianity and use it proactively in my life. And in some ways thats possible, But the core belief system was not my thing.
I stopped returning the guys calls. Finally my mom stepped in and told him I was no longer interested.
Never really saw him around school after that.
In the years that followed I searched for answers. I came across a website from a canadian atheist. He had written 10-15 essays on atheism and I eagerly ate them up. It made a hell of a lot more sense than christianity. For awhile I was a devout atheist. Nowadays i'm more of a spritual guy. I've drifted from atheism to apatheism. Which is basically the idea that the question "Is there a god?" Is irrelevant. It's not part of our lives. My friends joke and call me an atheist with a bad attitude lol
I just don't involve myself in religious debate. To each their own. But I feel that organized religion is an attempt to capitalize on spirituality that we all feel. People are like "we feel something" and others are like "Well come to our church and spend your money and we will provide answers"
Not a fan of organized religion but a supporter of individual spirituality
peace & love
No comments:
Post a Comment