I have to be a little crpytic here. Because other's privacy means a lot to me. You'll notice on my blog I hardly use names or talk about people without their consent. A simple funny story is one thing, but I don't attempt to define or deface a person's character.
So, this entry might not make any sense to anyone besides myself. But I'll try.
In my relations with people however, thoughts and feelings do arise and I am tempted to come here and discuss them.
Today I just wanted to talk about how words can be one thing one day and another thing another day. Recently I heard some words that at first I passed off. But the past couple days they've kind of stuck in my head. And I've begun to question how I approach people.
Perhaps this comes along with the trial and error process I've been experiencing lately. I am my own worst critic when it comes to literally everything My schoolwork, sports, kitchen work, looks, etc etc. And of course this extends to girls.
I feel I have to provide a little background into who I am. You see when I was growing up I was never much of a catch. I am laughing out loud thinking about the ugly green cargo pants I used to wear everyday in middle school. Nowadays I view cargo shorts as a fashion disaster. But in middle school I found them useful. They had lots of pockets and the ones I had had a zipper on the leg so you could convert them to shorts. I mean, that's badass. But in middle school the skateboard scene blew up. ( I ride a skateboard now, when it's no longer cool lol) And every kid had a board with shoes and a whole wardrobe decked out in dc and etnies. I, however, still had my trusty old green cargo pants and whatever shirts and sweaters my dad would buy me.
-My dad didn't have a good fashion sense. He can actually dress himself well but he didn not have a clue how to dress me.
So in middle school I was the geeky kid that everyone picked on.
And then I moved to Hawaii.
I am totally babbling but this story has a point. Once I got back from Hawaii I had grown into my own skin fashion wise and attitude wise. The year in Hawaii got me into hip hop and basically laid-backishness. Unfortunately I got hit with a real bad case of acne.
Yeah it was super bad. So bad that I had to go on some serious medication to clear it up. This took some time and lots of creams and pills going into the trash. Finally settled on a drug called accutane. Serious stuff..
The most frustrating thing about acne was how I never got the chance to introduce myself. People saw my acne first and made judgements right there. I had to convince girls I was worth talking to and hanging out with. It sounds rough-and it was. It was high school though. A time of ignorance yes but you have to look at it this way: people go for those they find attractive. My face definitely represented a watermelon so I can't necessarily blame girls for not going for me. I just think the sad fact is that tons of guys have awesome personalities that never get to be enjoyed by girls that are that focused on physical apperance.
You can't blame people though. It's how it is with attraction.
Words can dig themselves into your brain and bug you after awhile. I suppose what was said was just a means of conveying a denial. Denial comes in all sorts of forms. And I suppose that denial is just a regular and routine part of meeting new people. But they made me feel like a creepy loser.
You see when I grew out of this awkward devon phase I've gained the self confidence to go for things. I'm sure I take risks that some don't. And I understand why they wouldn;'t. I talked about denial before and (depressingly) here I am back on the subject. So it begs the question-Am I doing something wrong?
But everytime I ask myself that question I conclude that no-i'm not doing anything wrong. And i have my reasons and such I won't go into.
So words can dig themselves into our brains. An interesting phenomenon.
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