Dancing With The Devil

Reality is a funny thing. I always seem to have a different perspective on things and then BOOM. Reality comes like a slap in the face and it stings. Usually I have a good hold on things. So I suppose this happens to everyone once in awhile. Do you ever have a completely wrong view on your relationships or philosophies? And all of a sudden it becomes apparent that you we're wrong?

The theme of the past couple months have been humble and unpredictable. But it's rather irrelevant to my life plan. This cold way people live has become my perogative. I want what I want and i'm not letting anyone hold me back. These romantic ideals I used to hold. The hero, the princess, the roses and romance. All seem rather petty considering i've seen the evil side of all those things. I've emotionally exhausted myself before and my relationship with those ideals is quite strained. I question the existence of true connections.

Being jaded sucks because it's quite similar to being bitter. But what I feel doesn't exactly correlate with bitterness. More like "sigh..I should have known". I'm getting older now and the slip-ups of my past are finally beginning to strengthen my future. I know have the voice in my head that protects me. I am my best friend and we pursue things together. In that sense I don't need anyone. Everyone thinks they are in control however, and this goes back to the reality slap-in-the-face I discussed earlier.

"I got this"

"No you don't"

So self-actualization is the key. It's important to be self-critical to a certain point. Because obviously too much criticism of oneself leads to depression and immobilzation. The idea is to use the slap of reality to move forward. How can this benefit me?

Me
Not us

And there lies the difference between a relationship and casually dating someone. The investment in another person is the scary thing. Because once a relationship is formed the decision making process changes to
"How can this benefit us?"
And some thrive off this. It provides structure. They are not alone in this life. Some people need to lean on others. It's not an insult. Although I do find those who jump from relationship to relationship rather weak and petty. Take some time..figure yourself out. But maybe they don't want to. Or maybe it's just right, it's love, and how dare I question it?

Don't want to be the one who never believed in the relationship. That makes for an awkward appearance at the wedding ( if you're even invited) when the couple stands up and toasts the struggles they had to overcome to find themselves at that point. You were the struggle. The negative voices that lurk just around the corner. Wafting into the air just above the cigarette smoke. They exist at the bottom of water coolers and whispered into cell phones.

"They'll never make it"

For the past 6 months or so i've been changing. And part of me wants to fight the change but that part of me is slowly dying away. And lately i've been hungry for more out of life. I've become colder and more driven. I'm in control. But she's also in control. We both want control in this thing. And that is how things should be. As young adults we need to fight for what we want. I hope I never lose this drive.

One thing I do love is hearing her speak. And how passionate she is about life. It's a good combatant to my disillusionment. This whole feeling of being a tiny speck on a tiny planet in an enormous galaxy.

"You just need to find something that inspires you devon, something you're excited about"

She inspires me.
Writing inspires me.
Academics inspire me.
The beauty of the world inspires me.

I think we all have different passions relating to what makes a good movie, book, poem etc. And one of the things that I really enjoy is the idea of a scene. The scenes make up everything. Character development is of course necessary. But the scene, ah the scene.

It's a humid winnipeg night. I'm sitting on the patio of Carlos & Murphys. It's a mexican themed restaurant. I'm sipping on a cold beer staring into the eyes of a beautiful woman. Her hair flows like a river I want to jump into. Her eyes, those eyes. They soften when they look into mine. She's affectionate but could also be harsh. Those eyes could harden and break hearts. I know what she's capable of. I'm dancing with the devil. But I choose these risks because I feel alive this way. I like the unpredictable. The wind picks up and for a moment and my attention shifts to the other inhabitants of the patio. A girl with a cast. A drunken man clasping his friends shoulder and babbling incoherently. I feel I could be anywhere right now. It doesn't need to be Winnipeg. It could be Mexico or a small town in the bible belt.