The Bookshelf Of Thought

I've never taken kindness for weakness. The measure of power is our ability to restrain ourselves. Even better said, to see the larger picture. I have my own personal failures. Decided by myself and for the most part discussed only with myself. Why wake up and play into the hands of others? But there's no "winning" or "losing" for me in regards to my relationships. But I could see myself "losing" pretty badly if I were to try and make everyone happy. An impossible feat. And even in regards to love and good karma. Again, I can work to spread that emotion around myself but I don't expect anything back.

You know, this whole thought process is basically me reassuring myself. Just be cool Devon. Because as of late I’ve been having some thoughts that things aren’t fair. And I could really go into those reasons and put people on blast etc etc. But fairness is so subjective. Life isn’t a game with agreed upon rules. What’s fair to me is unfair to someone else and vice-versa. I mean this seems simple enough but the controversy within myself is still there. If we feel that we’ve been cheated or are in the process of being cheated then that feeling is going to be there and it’s going to be strong. We can’t control that kind of blood flow. That quickening of the heart beat and the flush of the face. We get angry because that emotion is quick. It sneaks up on us and often we stumble through our anger and create a bigger mess than was needed. So control has been my biggest ally as of late. To keep my thoughts to myself, but not necessarily throw them away. But to keep them to myself and figure out alternatives to explosive confrontations.

Of course all of these thoughts are stored on a metaphorical bookshelf. And this bookshelf tends to sway and shake when I feel cheated or wronged. And that’s when I start to see familiar negative thoughts resurfacing themselves as if they fell off the shelf. Then I’m forced to deal with that thought again. But I’m weary of placing it back on the shelf. I’d rather just destroy the thought. Hence purifying my bookshelf of these negative emotions. But I’m also aware that they are back around for a reason. And perhaps the solution is not to shelf or destroy the thought. But to act on said thought. And so begins...life really. As we attempt to navigate through all these thoughts with action or inaction. Both being equally important in different situations.

I’ll stray from my rather purposefully ambiguous topic to point out that society is rather unhealthy for us. Beyond the fast food and cheque chasing establishments. Beyond the patriarchy and oppressive behavior. I don’t believe we’re being given the tools to be being human. Everyone’s so stuck in their own narrow lane in life. And these narrow lanes leave no room for exploration of thought and self. “Winning” and “Losing” become a reality. And unfortunately said victories and defeats are often as the expense of another. But as I pointed out earlier in this post. The rules are not agreed upon. And the win/loss is entirely subjective. For example, I have a rather long commute to work each day. I take two busses and the trip is about 45 mins total. Most cringe. Others would cringe even more if I told them I decided to skateboard home from work the other day. A trip that took about two hours. But did I ever feel fucking alive. If anyone has me on snapchat (illmatic8988) you saw a quick video of me breathing heavy and sweating before crossing the St James Bridge. Shortly after my phone died. And who says a long commute is such a bad thing? I took Corydon-Stafford-Academy-crossing the bridge to portage avenue and then home. I wouldn’t do it every day, but maybe I should do it more often. Humans were meant to travel long distance by foot. It’s how we all ended up where we are now. But “progression” can veil an inherent regression. Along the way I saw my city in a different way than I ever would by bus or car. And although it was a route I’ve taken before. New things appear every time.

I feel as if I’m growing up by accepting certain realities of life. But also challenging conventions and focusing on what makes me happy. As for my bookshelf of thoughts. Maybe it’s time to speak my mind and clear some clutter. It’ll never be perfect-but nothing ever is. Life is beautiful in its frustrating complexities and sometimes complete utter failures. It’s also beautiful in a sweaty smiling Devon arriving home having experienced a simple pleasure. To travel by skateboard through a quiet city nestled in the heart of the prairies.

Peace & Love

Dev