Control

Walking down osborne today I concluded two things. Good conversation still exists. And there's no free pizza in heaven.

I get in these funky moods from time to time. Where I know i'm going to write. And probably write a lot. But it's a heavy feeling. It's like I may shed tears tonight. Or I may laugh histerically.

But above all I'll lack control. And that's one thing that's been on my mind today. The lack of control we have over our lives. Sure we would LOVE to think we can just pull the right strings to make the right things work. And plenty self-help books will preach the power people can have over their lives. But I've realized how little control I have. Especially lately when i've been trying to change.

As I get older i've realized little things about myself. Little psychological hangups that are a result of my childhood. It's not a blame game so much as its "well, that's why i'm like this". I used to have this issue with my body positioning. I would literally exude lack of self confidence. This was mainly by looking at the ground a lot when I went from place to place. My dad would always say "look up devon, be confident". Not really realizing his own part to play in that complex. He never really realized much. He may realize now. Too little too late? It's not for only me to decide. That's for other people in my family to decide. And also for him. Too little too late doesn't exist if you keep going. If you keep striving to fix things with people you will succeed. People see that. Especially if it is your parent making that effort.

Control. This thing well all aspire for. But yet, we lack it in so many ways. Control is why i'm a little hesitant to pursue women lately. I don't want that feeling of another world crashing into mine. It's like I have my environment. Things may get cloudy in my world but I have a pretty good handle on it. Another world? That's a whole different field trip. And we all know this..It doesn't need to be said anymore then it has. It can be SCARY to meet someone and try to date. Or at least go somewhere beyond simple "how ya doing?" and so on and so forth.

But here I am moody and alone. And it's been awhile since i've been laid (well hey, its true). As much as my mind keeps reminding me i've got school and i've got other shit going on. I'm getting horny and well it's beyond my control now. Sooner or later i'll turn into a wild animal. I'll enjoy it. And then my primal urges will clash with my mind. It'll be one of those unique things about being human. We want to be something we aren't. We're horny creatures and we are victims to this thirst.

As i'm getting ready to leave for school today a thought crossed my mind. "I'm a simple dude"
Yup.
All I need is a glass of wine with some dessert and john hughes movies? Damn. I had that thought out better last night.
But I am re-watching Uncle Buck for the thousandth time. Hughes is people watching at its finest.