Tear Journals

Last night I felt some kind of way. I've been working on controlling my anger for awhile now and things have been going well. But last night I was re-acquainted with the rage. It rose up quick and as usual took me awhile to come down. I ended up riding my skateboard fast and hard down Portage Avenue with the grittiest gangster beats in my headphones.

But then I get home and peel off my sweaty shirt. I toss my headphones to the side and sit on the side of the tub. I tend to cry in different ways. Lately the tears seem to force themselves out. Silent sobs because I have roommates and the expression of emotion feels shameful to a male in today's society.
Tears don't necessarily pour down my face. I think only a few actually made it from my face to the floor.

Funny my roommate's cat whom I've become on unofficial uncle towards wandered into the bathroom. She just seemed curious by the water falling off my face and nuzzling my leg. Hard to stay sad when a cute feline is expressing concern over you. My old dog Mochi was the same way. He wouldn't leave me alone when I cried and desperately tried to lick my face.

I don't have much else to add to this. But it's a human moment. Since I stopped smoking Cannabis I'm finding my emotions are all over the place. Some days are so bright and clear with optimism and hope. Other days I get out of bed straight into a storm cloud that follows me around for the day.

I appreciate the tears. I call them mental yoga. Tough at the time but also better for me in the long run.

dtr.

She's got this laugh the wind carries across the prairies
Causing flowers to bloom.
Pedals unfolding against the strain of my brain.
Told myself there was nobody for me.
Insane.
Addicted to being alone.
Sex with fuzzy faces.
Searching from my clothes in the dark
Seeing my breath in the air wondering why is it so cold in here?
But you were different
The sun hit my face through Victorian stained glass
Felt as natural as when the day met the night
And the sun slipped through God's fingers
I can empathize in a different way
When you're laying next to me I just want to hold tight to the night