Big Black Hoodie

She's so small in my big black hoodie
Head just pops out the top of my big black hoodie
Lake nights with her girls in my big black hoodie
Firewood smell all over my big black hoodie
Woke up one morning and it was gone
Nothing on, but my big black hoodie just covers that..
Don't mind that sass when she's got that..
I'm laying beside her and in the corner of the moonlit room I happen to see
My big black hoodie

dtr

The Manuscript

Just when I thought it was all over
Lightning struck
Fate fell from the sky as a four leaf clover
Fluttered into my outstretched hand
I put it to my lips and blew a constellation of pedals that reached the far points of the world
I hope one found its way into a young writers hands
And he will look at the world in awe at such a chance
At 17 he'll have his first dance
All the wrong steps
His hands wandering along her backless dress
Such a Russian roulette romance
Someone will have to end it at one point
And he'll be furious at his own tears

Angrily wiping them away
Furiously scrawling in his notebook
A recluse from the loss and chaos
A hope book
But yet he learned the power of poetry
Young soul you learned the power...
Of the manuscript.

dtr

Rage Page

I can't let your dark eyes close along with the shadows around me
Barely hanging on and you have control of the pen I hold to cope
I gave it to you
Guess I'll trust you in a way you never trusted me
I've tried
I've tried to reason and rationalize
Tried to downsize
These emotions subdued by cup filled potions
And I see the light at the end of this tunnel
But there's thousands of pounds holding back each step
I just have to do this and I'm not enjoying the moment
Far from an ego moment it's atonement
Feels like a loss but I'll never be a boss of this shit and never wanted to be
I have family so far away it kills me everyday to be away
From
The ones who love me unconditionally
Because I'm Devon and I'm more than my last shift
More than my last hit
Relapsed for years and I can only hope I'm ready to quit
We all have our own stories
I'm the poet in the wrong time
I sit alone in empty libraries
Literature cast to the side
Gimme that netflix fix

dtr

Summer Journal 2

Sitting on the beach
I let the sand fall between my fingers
She's got perfume on that barely lingers
But it's just enough, just enough
A small kiss, a brush of her lips
It's not enough, never enough
We'll both change over the summer
It's tough
Thinking too much just to write this
Just as the sun falls into the distance
And the night keeps it's warm embrace

dtr.

Self-Help 1

A couple years ago I set out to change my life. This came with many positive elements but also unique negativity I didn't consider. Change requires a conscious effort to move from one place to another. I believed strongly that the motivation to do so had to come from myself. I began to look at myself as the "new Devon" combating the ways of the "old Devon". Splitting my ego into two different entities. And these two forms of my ego would often interact in scolding sessions from myself to myself. Essentially talking down to myself. And it wasn't pretty. I called myself a failure to my family and a disgrace to their success. I told myself I would be alone for the rest of my life and would achieve nothing. I constantly "fucked up" (in my own opinion) and would have dark moments that would more self-berating then liberating.

 

Dark moments like when I blacked out with rage in my apartment. I tore it apart and sent a row of glass cologne bottles flying into a bathtub. A true miracle that glass hitting porcelain at such a speed didn't shatter any of them-not even a crack.

It feels rather strange to count being happy as a major success. In juxtaposition to having a career, family and other milestones, happiness seems a given with some-a struggle for others. The other day I was just walking around the grocery store and realized happiness hasn't been a real issue for me in recent memory. I have bad days but not in such a self destructive nature as I once experienced.

Don't be so hard on yourself-for real. Change, especially big change, doesn't happen quickly. Set small goals that accumulate. I found setting daily goals and meeting them to be really satisfying. And those all add up to larger changes. And there is no definition of success. That's entirely up to YOU.

I'm not so sure my method to change my life was the right one. I call it the insecurity tunnel. And I'm just coming out of it. Ready to get back out into the world again. But it provided me with an insight into mental health. While my emotions generated rage in an outward fashion. Other's emotions turn further inward and promote self-harm. 

That's all for now. 

dtr

Summer Journal

You took off your heels to play in the water

And I filled them with sand when you weren’t looking

You taught me fun in a relationship like that

How to laugh at each other and kiss moments later

Letting myself go is a turn on

You saw past my ego anyways..

Far past the fist fights
Nails dragging along my muscles
In the latest of nights

dtr

What If You Had Sex With An Animal?