Scribbles From The Journal

It's been awhile since my last post. Sorry!

Without having anything real to post I thought I'd just share the latest random shit laying around my desk.

In no real order whatsoever. Call it a stream of conciousness.

I like when colours clash
Never been a fan of fine art


Love when the colours clash
Never been a fan of fine art

I like when the colours clash
Challenging conventions of fine art
You say we need to discuss our problems
I wonder where to start.
Can we discover what the stars had already written?
Besides what you said had already been spitten
Out of your mouth carelessely
Wild eyes hair messy
I crush things in my hand because I hold on too tight
Taught that all things go away
I despise fate

feel like I have you at my fingertips
thief for your love
diving in and taking sweet sips
she's rare elixer
while they wasted time to fix her

there's nothing I can drop off in a donation box
feeling like giving out a piece of me
not just tube socks
if I could donate a verb that creates a word
that creates a sentence that might prevent a sentence
if I could send the letter once opened just remember I sent this
the time I donated a word
and they made it theirs

my eyes ask "do you trust me?"
but we're already too far too late
too alive for a heartrate
no time for trust just furious embraces
pulling you out of the crowd filled with strange faces
no time for time
no time for games
no time for us to decide if it will be worth it
the poetry I say
the price I pay
to have you tonight

"how did you hear me?"
"the wind carried your voice across the river"

was thinking if they hating?
might not be that you're wearing the wrong size
just hanging around the wrong eyes
I love my friends for unconvential tie dies
because the truth isn't too far from a flip
or a handstand
how many of you appreciate those around you?
as if they were land


I want to see more men
deliberate and write
not fight over what's right
but express themselves on what love means to them
you know what love is


half hug
half love
whatever tho you only like my good weather

-Dev

The Minefield Of Love

"Why do I never seem to learn"?

Often people ask themselves this question when it comes to relationships. Whether it's pursuing a broken relationship, creating a new one, or watching what you thought was working fail.

Why do we never seem to learn? I was thinking about this question in regards to our relationships and it provoked some thought I figured I'd share.

Affection lacks the context we often refer to when fixing errors. It's not something we can point to and remark "there..that's what I did wrong..never again".

We are animals and we crave a mate for multiple reasons. And love is a form of insanity..a good form of insanity. But what insanity really really lacks is sense and rationality. And love fits into the category of lacking sense and rationality.

Of course, it doesn't have to be love. But affection is a tricky emotion that tends to be at odds with our rational and empirical real world thought. We don't add things up the same way when it comes to love and affection. So there seems to be two sides of us that can be at odds when it comes to affection. You very well may know that this person is not going to bring you happiness in the long run. You may have tried and tried and viewed the results. But you still find yourself reaching out to them. Or buying into their claims of "one more chance".

Chasing affection is sort of a dangerous game that can be incredibly rewarding but also painful. And there's no real solution. We sort of step onto the minefield and leap around hoping we find something that will last. And like little explosions we enter in and out of relationships slowly learning by the catastrophes. Our rational side saying "I got this, you just don't want that anymore". But in the end we can just hope we meet that right person.

So if you're beating yourself up for going back to him/her. No worries. It's just your primal sex/mate driven side defeating your rational empirical side. And when it comes to life our hearts tend to make the final decision.

-Devon

Bad Days Can Be Fatal

Two teenage kids killed themselves over the past weekend.

And I wonder how they could have done it.

I've had dark days. That's for sure. But the idea of taking my own life is beyond me. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I remember someone saying "suicide is selfish"-referring to the people they leave behind and the suffering it causes. But i've always viewed suicide as an escape from pain. Sometimes a very long period of pain that goes untreated. I don't know about suicide being "selfish" because life is the best thing we have. Life is our reality and to take our own existence away is far from thinking simply of ourselves.

Suicide can be a result of long untreated depression. But in the case of the two suicide's over the past weekend it seems to show that their are different types of suicidal thoughts that can occur. The two kids had been involved romantically and when the girl ended her own life, the boy chose to end his own life shortly after. No doubt a reaction to the extreme pain and darkness he felt enveloped in. Suicide can be a quick and deadly decision or it can be premediated throughout weeks and months.

The Bridge Documentary

How can we prevent this? Laudible is the reaction from mental health experts advocating for increased awareness, funding, and support for mental health throughout schools. I agree that mental health takes a lesser role when we speak of health. Ever tried calling into work sad? You'd probably be laughed at and told to come in or face repercussions. Calling in sad is not an option. Nor is missing school or assignments really viewed as an option. People don't feel like their mental health is really going to understood or taken seriously by others. We also live in a society that harshly criticizes or over analyzes one's mental health. Not clinically depressed? Get over it. I've had people tell me that depression is much different than someone having a bad day. And while I agree that the parameters of clinical depression may be different than a "bad day" I don't agree that takes away from how tragic a bad day can be in one's life. If they do so choose to end their own life from a bad day then I think it's perfectly normal to treat the situation with the same care and attention we would from someone suffering depression.

A bad day is a form of depression. Bad days that string together into bad weeks and months are a form of depression. It may not be entirely clinical in the sense of lifelong depression and anxiety but it's sure as hell just as deadly. I'm no mental health expert but the field has intrigued me for a variety of different reasons. Mostly I feel that we could learn so much more about eachother and become much more empathetic creatures but understanding the mental nuances we all go through. I try to reminds myself of these nuances when I go about my life. This person may be having a bad day-often that statement runs through my head. And when i'm having a bad day I ty to be aware that I could easily bring other people down with me.

As I said-not a mental health expert. But I've written about different forms of happiness before and I think it's important to touch on that again. The simple things in life as opposed to materialistic creations. Organic vs Non-Organic forms of happiness.

More of us need to ask ourselves "what makes us happy"? and celebrate those things. Make time for what truly causes us to smile. We need more balance in our lives between those things and materialistic endeavours. Yes we all want to be successful and to do well in life. But what is the point if we aren't happy? What is the point of your relationship if you are consistently on edge and fighting? Are you really better off with that person rather than being alone? If you are pursuing a career in order to be financially stable there is nothing wrong with that. But again, ask yourself, what makes me happy? You'll find it's not so much the paycheque as it is the value you place on your work and the relationships you form with co-workers. You'll find it's mostly in your off-time spending time with friends and family. These things cannot be purchased. They do not exist as a creation in a factory or a purchase at the shopping mall. They exist in our hearts. In the embraces we make. The beauty of life is even in our tears. Because we cannot sell our emotions. And despite all our differences and places in life we have all wiped tears from our face.

One last point. We've all been down. We know what a bad day is and it's not for us to judge anothers bad day. Don't say to someone that says "i'm feeling depressed" that they don't have real depression or don't know what true sadness is. Those could prove to be fatal words. Instead just listen and offer support. It's not so much relating to the indivudal as connecting with them. The wisest words lie in our experience. And sometimes we need to mount those painful experiences on our shoulders and utilize them to help another.

In my opinion humans have never grown from shoving eachother aside and pursuing solitary goals. It's only when we connect that wonderful things happen. Reminding me of some rhymes I wrote some time ago.

I want my foes to fear me
Judging eyes to clear me
So I can gain a new fan in a little kid sitting with a blank notebook
A soon to be hope book
As soon be recluse and reservation from a forced destination
Cause in this world we don't always see our dreams played out
But we take what we can and forge our own route
We don't always have the power to chase individual schemes
But if we come together as one, than we can achieve bigger things

-Devon

Taxi Cab Confessions

I take inspiration from strange things.

Like tonight. Heading home..I've never felt so alone.

Yet, so free.

I feel good about being able to write this. But I also feel that these moments come with a price.

It wasn't much. I know that people reading this are expecting something to have actually happened. But all I really did was catch a cab home from work. The only thing, I don't call a cab to the restaurant I work at I usually walk down to the bar district close by and just hop into one of the ten cabs that permanently sit there and rotate from back to front.

The usual crowd was there. Drunk and munching on pizza. Some were dancing. Some arguing. It was the same old same old but some nights I'm amazed at how life can strike you as so oddly beautiful. Or ugly, I mean it's all kind of one thing really. It's this whole beautiful and ugly picture of what alcohol does to people. I stand in stark contrast. Stone cold sober and rather impatient waiting in line for some greasy pizza to take home with me.

I get in this cab and the first thing I notice is a greasy paper plate from the very same pizza place I was just at. I'm instantly uncomfortable. The walls around me seem to be closing in. I find immediate statisfaction in lowering my window completely and shoving my head outside. Cruising down portage on a cool evening after spending ten hours in a kitchen is quite nice. I check my phone and scan through the instagram photos and I'm again hit with this feeling that can be either good or bad. But I'm a rather isolated guy from the rest of the world. I don't know exactly when it all happened either. But I spend an extraordinary time by myself outside of work.

It's hard to really put into perspective for you guys. But looking through those photos gave me the feeling of peeking through the window of other lives. And I know the internet is this huge mirage of success and fun because people have the power to present themselves in a certain way on the internet and they use that power. I think we all do. From the snazzy profile pic to the updates of our world travels.

I'm more alone than i've ever been in my entire life (don't worry mom) and i'm also changing as an individual. Have you ever felt yourself changing? I guess people call this growing up. My friends are busy people. Two of my closest friends are in Orlando right now cheering their asses off at worlds. I hope they know they lift me up in a different way. And I haven't really had the chance to just sit down and have a beer with them in what feels like forever. April has just been sliding by..(This is a total trail off of thought and now I'll return)

But I digress. I'm sitting in this cab and i'm on my phone flipping through everyone's lives and steadily becoming convinced that I'm always going to be alone. It's the balance that I need to find. Because here I am groaning about loneliness but I choose it most of the time. I tend to feel alone in large crowds. Preferring a quieter setting with a good conversation.

My god, I love a good conversation. And so I look up and try my luck with the cab driver. He's startled by my sudden voice. But we get to talking and he's from the Ukraine. Came here because of the violence. I suppose this is the Canadian dream. His wife is a school teacher, he has two kids. They do what they have to do to make the ends meet. We talked politics, the war, society. Soon i'm in front of my apartment. Maybe a little too soon. I know the walls will close in again. I tip him well. He swivels in his seat, suprised, and thanks me earnestly.

Nah, thank you.

I drag myself up the stairs and start the water for my nightly bath. My brain pulses with creativity. My body aches and I remind myself to:
a)always have a cold beer or gin and tonic waiting for me at home
b)to get a fucking car already
c) write more

A girl at my work is leaving and it sucks because, she's everything a poet needs to be inspired. You'd have to meet her. But I wrote something not necessarily about her. I don't ever really write about people in specific. I find it stifles creativity. But it's the aura people release sometimes. Some people are just characters.

She was cultured
The world behind the words she spoke
Had been to the moon and back
Still she'd rather hangout in bed
Watching old sitcoms
Blowing dust off cd-roms
Playing mixes I made and sweated over a little too much
Trying to find something in myself I could never touch
Tried to hide my cold eyes with lavish gestures and vicious lies
But she believed in me.
I swear..I
Lost my train of thought
I just saw the bright lights dissapear
No choice but to trail away

 

 If you drive really fast down the main strip. Things become a blur. And you can just feel the energy. The heartbeat of the city. 

-Dev

 

Are We Free?

I remember my intro Sociology course beginning with the professor saying matter-of-factly: "Despite what you all may think or feel..none of you are free"

And then the rest of the course proved that we are really at the whim of larger societal forces.

I've often wrestled with this idea. My lack of freedom. Especially bothersome to me is freedom of thought. The old prison analogy "you can lock my body but never my mind" has always rung true to me. Despite being behind bars a prisoner can still free their mind through literature, poetry, and all other forms of art.

But how large of a role does society play in my so-called "freedom of mind"
How large of a role did my upbringing, parents divorce, and my travels play into my current mindset?

It seems one of those impossible questions. But I will say I do feel I have some freedoms that aren't influenced entirely by outside forces.

Something that comes to mind is how I interpret my actions and the actions of others. I find that we too-often get caught up in a certain moment or day. We do have the freedom to be positive, to connect with others, and to forgive. This is a human nature freedom. Despite my sociologys professor's claim that "we aren't free". We actually have the power to interpret our world in a certain way. And in doing so, we can create the world around us. Our perspectives will play a large role in how our lives will go (and how they are going now)

This was all inspired by an incident that occured on the bus earlier today. The bus had filled up and there was a man sitting in the back with a duffle bag placed on the seat beside him. A woman approached and asked if he could move her bag so she could sit there. The man refused. Not for any real reason besides that "he paid his fare" and "carried this bag all day". Despite several other people (including me, and i'll get to that in a second) telling him to move the bag..he flatly refused.

Now, here's a guy who has chosen his fate. He has distanced himself from his fellow humans in such a way that he cannot comprehend the idea that perhaps this woman had a long day and just wanted a seat on the bus going home.

Later on during the ride, a man offered a woman carrying some shopping bags a seat. She politely declined. The seat-denier spoke up: "You see, you offer people things and they don't even take it, if you ask me we live in a stupid society"

So be it. But unfortunately things escalated. He was especially pissing off a rather big guy sitting in the seat next to the bag. This guy repeatedly told him to move his bag and became angrier and angrier over the course of the ride. Nearing downtown, I watched him put his music away and I knew he was going to do something. The big guy grabs the bag and tries to wrestle it out of the hands of the seat-denier. Letting him know: "you're lucky we're on camera right now buddy"

And what do I do? Give the seat-denier the finger like a little kid. 

My freedom is my ability to understand I took things too far. I understand the overall frustration of the situation. But part of my ideology is to connect with people. Yeah, the guy was being a prick. But yelling obscenities and attempting to grab his bag took things too far. Because it's also his freedom to disconnect.

I'm often torn between the urge to punch people and hug them. I know for a fact that the altercation that occured on that bus was unhealthy for all our minds. Our frustration overshadowed rationality. And the seat-denier just has another reason to "hate society"

We have freedom of choice. Well, at least I hope so. But I do know i'm really working to fix my mistakes and not allow my emotions to get the better of me. My future depends on me believing in things I do and say.

All I know is I'll be approaching a situation like that differently next time.

And that, my readers, is my freedom.

-Dev

What Is Love?

since I was a young boy love has never changed meaning for me
it has always been a rarity
something to be fought for and written about in novels and poetry books
love can never be sold, never commodified
it is the single thing that remains pure in our environment
love and beauty go together like puzzle pieces
because what we love is beautiful
and we tend to make love under beautiful circumstances
love is more than sex
love is connection
love for human beings means no politics
no religious text
humans can write about love
they can attempt to cage love and restrict love amongst humans
but humanity can never explain love
we fear love the same way we fear death
because the inevitability of love means once you're in love
you have no choice in the matter
love is below this poem
an empty space for you to place your own words

-Dev

Bend Curves

ive been known to write a love poem or two
but nothing could be put into writing baby
when it comes to me and you
a little rhyme to capture a little time
a little moment in life
when a bit your lip
and you curled your toes
we both shared our secret through glances amongst church rows
despite the late night fight
i find myself tangled all up in you in the morning light
forgive me for staring
but not being a scientest
or a physcist alike
i swear the light bends along your curves
and i'll pretend to sleep and catch a glimpse
while you get dressed and leave
always on the run, a woman of the world
i'm stuck in this little city holding onto that night

dev