Couchside Conversations Vol 1

I'll give you my whole heart
But can those small hands juggle my past
The future?
As the fury of love attempts a quick escape in the winter wind
I'm forcing the door closed, can you come help me?
Life in different directions.
I hold hands with strangers at intersections
Hoping the incoming lights of love leads us to where we need to go
Beautifully blessed. Broke in Paris
You'll let me enjoy your body, never your art.

I'd try to convince you in our couchside conversations
"It's just not ready yet"
"For...me?"
"For anyone really, I guess the time will come to unveil that part of myself"
"I hope you can trust me"
"Trust is largely irrelevant to me"
"Explain?"
"Well trust is a present feeling that relies on notions of the past and future. I want to live in the here, the now, without thinking of those things. All I know is you, right now, others may have fooled me. But I refuse to fool myself with trust, the past, or the future."

And just like that, trust was whisked away with a wave of her hand. We sat there and talked some more. But behind my casual conversation was a burning desire to have all of her. The totality of her mind proved just as alluring as the curves under her sun dress. Patience would be key. But I was a small child stuck in a dark room. Attempting to brave the unknown while fumbling for the light, the answer. Her voice, the mystery...

-D


 

Enabling Negativity

A co-worker the other was commenting on negative people and the bad karma they tend to bring about themselves. It prompted a blog post.

In my view bad karma is something that is built over time. People exist within this negative bubble that tends to spread over time. Good people are thrown aside or have walked away on their own accord. And negative people join this bubble to create a larger negative envrironment. And negative people build an environment that suits them. In the same way that postive people tend to magnetize positive people and positive experiences, negative people do the same.

All of this couldn't be possible without enablers. Because negative environments are largely volatile and unhealthy. Often you will hear negative people complaining and showing at least a desire for change. But it never seems to go anywhere. Enablers act as people that enable negative behaviour due to bonds such as friendship or family. Sometimes tough love is needed. But those who wallow in self pity and constantly play the blame game tend not to receive "tough love". They could very well have those around them that love them quite a bit. But people need to be told they are being fucking idiots.

And to further complicate this problem..people get harder to change the older they get. Tough love is a good early prevention strategy. It is a support system that can create self-responsibility and a humble ego. But as people age they don't receive tough love as easily. Rather, "tough love" becomes "haters" and "jealous people" who often have well meaning criticism.

Karma: The snowball effect. Built over time with the larger snowball being rolled by multiple people called enablers.

Just some thoughts.

-D

Delayed Childhood...Nowadays

Nowadays
I go for walks at night
And find myself at the park with a can in my hand
Swings used to be for swinging
But now they are for thinking
As my feet dangle and draw figures in the gravel
Those days the future was the only thing
Now the past seems to dominate my thought
Oh little one how I've learned and lost at the same time
How i've kissed and missed all the girls you used to dream of
In pitch black I took in albums and imagined myself in armour
Saving their lives just to make them see
That maybe little old me could be the one they want

Guess the split didn't hurt as much
The years passed and formed a kind of crutch
Cause that's just the way things always were
I saw you much less than him
And when I did head over
You were laying in bed
Sometimes I'd crawl in
At a young age I didn't understand the ruts of life we fall in
Schedules and overnights
Voices raised in hopeless fights
Inside my room there was a cruel book
All about sons and dads and the love they share
It was fucking cruel whoever put that in my room
Because all I did was look and compare

Nowadays
Drink too much
Am I weak?
Think too much
A hard truth we may all have to accept
That we've leaned too long on the past as a crutch
My mother telling me about childhood delayed.
I'm just glad I haven't had to witness no more tears at an airport gate
Nowadays I know i'll see you momma i'll see you again
Back then I didn't understand the politics of divorce
I learned at a young age to sit up at night and let the pain run its course
Calming down my bedsheets no longer muffle my cries
A grown man with a silly smile enjoying the cool fall air and starry skies

My childhood delayed

-D.R

Love In Eyes-Excerpt

Truth burning as it comes up and gets choked back down
Red hot, don't hold my old sentiments against me
Fights causing rifts, I can jump over majority of the time
One time I fell short, fingers barely grasping reality
Your long hair dangled, those long legs dangled, neon coloured hands held my fate
"You must accept what you can't understand"
All these answers I've sought meant nothing
Face in books
Travelled the world and back
To discover meaningless love
There are those who'll try to explain it
On the street corner for a buck or two they'll even frame it
And you can stare at the wall clutching what you once had
Sentiments comfort some
They drive me crazy

-Dev

A Day Inside The Mind

Letting Things Get To Me

Last night I furiously deleted the "dating" app Tinder. And by furiously I mean I pressed the icon down and waited for the promt clarifying the delete to which I responded with a YES YES FUCK YES.

Now, this post really has nothing to do with poor Tinder. I'm not bashing online dating in any form. If the shoe fits, wear it. I mean..I tried to wear that shoe and it didn't fit me. But I tried.

This post is more about my reaction afterwards. Because let's be honest. If tinder was working for me, i'd probably still be using it. And why didn't it work for me? Well it probably doesn't work for a whole lot of people. I don't know..I didn't get matches. It's fucking silly. But..

I was upset about it and then became upset at myself for being upset..get it? And I did ask solemnly out loud..

"Why do I let things bother me so much?" 

I DO let things bother me a lot. And i've never been able to control it. I've heard all the advice. Read all the inspirational blogs. Read pick up artist books ("The Game" is actually a pretty good read, but not to be taken seriously). Gone on random vacations. The list goes on and on..but the emotional side of me never leaves.

And it's probably a case of "you can't have one without the other". Would I even be writing this blog if I had a nice hard emotionless shell around me? I probably wouldn't be conflicted. I'd be sleeping right now instead of heating up a pre cooked stuffed chicken breast and cracking into a king can of moosehead beer.

Lately i've been trying to calm myself down. I need something in my life. Because pursuing someONE to fill that space is super unhealthy. Nobody needs the burden of being your empty space. But hmm, something needs to be done.

And there we are. No actual conclusion made. But you know what? I'm going to TRY to be less fucking crazy.

But in the end my poems and my dreams taunt me with a life I don't have yet.

Ps-If you're reading this mom. No i'm not going to jump off a bridge.

-Dev

The Unfriend Dilemma

Recently an old friend of mine deleted me off facebook.

And in my head i'm going "I shouldn't care, I shouldn't care, I shouldn't care!"

Becaus that's what we are told, right? That we shouldn't care about social media despite using it so much. We shouldn't care about opinions, politics, and emotions on social media. However, in my opinion this comprises social media and what makes it so addictive.

It's hard to be involved and yet..seperated. And the digital snub known as the "unfriend" speaks towards a larger issue. Well, you've drifted from this person. But why then do they still have 50 of my mutual friends who were less familiar with them?

Now here's a moment of insecurity on my part. I'm on the net a lot. And i'm speaking my mind a lot. I share lots of what some could say controversial material. There's no filter there, as my mom loves to remind me.

So sometimes I feel that I offend people. And as tragic as this may sound..it has quieted me down. For better or for worse I don't act the same way I used to.

What do we do with the unfriend? I'm abhorred by the idea of confronting them. I feel like it's a situation where you have to open ones eyes and see the reality.

It's time to move on.

And I know it's just a stupid site and it's social media AND I SHOULDN'T CARE...but I do. And it sucks.

Ever find yourself wishing people the best. As they leave you alone in the room?

-Dev