Photobomb

It's 2am. I'm watching one of those chevy chase movies. the one where they go to europe. The old woman below me is dying in her sleep. Dark i know.

Here's some photos.

bad time at stellas

I just rememberd this story of this terrible time I had at stellas. It just came back to me and I wanted to get it down in writing.

I suppose it's not the craziest story of all time.

But one time I went to stellas on a saturday morning decently hungover. I had to wait 15-20 mins which I was expecting. But still, it sucks standing around for 15 mins with nowhere to sit. Stellas knows they get backed up all the time why not provide some seating? Seems like a pretty obvious thing to me. Moving on. I'm standing there listening to the conversations around me when I hear this really loud and obnoxious laugh. It wasn't so much loud as just this annoying sound that cut through the rest of the noise like a dagger. It seemed to just be affecting me though cause I didn't see anyone really looking over. I look over and see two asians. Not to be racist ( it could have been anyone). The laugher was coming from a guy. Anyways, he keeps on laughing and laughing. And it's just irritating the shit out of me. So my turn comes up to get seated and much to my horror I am being seated literally right beside this laughing dude. Who is still laughing by the way. I'm not sure if the girl was practicing a comedy routine or something? But they were speaking in a different language so I couldn't tell. I was THIS close to saying something. But knowing me I just meekly took my seat. The table was wet as shit. And when I said "hey my table is wet" The waitress kindly informed me that it was "because we just wiped it down". Again, I should have mentioned that when you wipe down a table you don't leave it soaking wet so much that the ink on my newspaper is now running. Regardless..i know have a crappy seat at stellas and an obnoxious dude laughing in my ear.

Also..never eat at smittys. Unless your drunk and down for wings.

Photobomb

Society Ruins Everything

Does society ruin everything?

Well for sure I can't stick my dick wherever I want to.

I have this problem with society and how it views sex. Cause its a western thing-this hangup we have on sex.

I'm not sure if's a little bit of the religious influence that used to dominate our culture. There's some leftovers of that still plaguing society. But sex-what's the big deal?

I feel people can't have sex when they want to and with who they want to. Society has set it up so that you should probably be in a monogamous (sp?) relationship before enjoying sex. Or if you do enjoy sex outside of a relationship-make sure its not too much! Can't have too much sex or you're a slut! Or in a males case your a player! Eitherway there's always that looming STD that you could contract. Herpes genuinely scares me. I really don't want to have something like that for life. And of course HIV is fucking terrifying as well.

This is a lame blog.

I'm just horny.

Peace

Shadows

the alarm bells shake the night
the stars they collide
the dreams twist and turn into morbid shapes
the lights they spin and shine
a car pulls into a dark alley
and illuminates the worst of society

a puff of something nasty
a lifetime all packed into one punch
no time to regret while your face falls off
now you can't hide behind the smile
they say beauty is only skin deep
so when we are left with only our veins and vital organs
who plays the cards now?
what are the odds that you can see I have a big heart?

fateful days are funny
funky
delerious
sweaty wake ups early in the morning
too early.
can't go back to sleep
pacing my studio apartment
one step, two step, three step
a stairway in my closet?
maybe
an escape from it all through the right door
i'm just dreaming
day-dreaming while I sit in class and remember fateful days

fatefulness is measured by what?
i suppose it's rather subjective
the subject must elect certain priorities.
i'm just rambling now.

back to the sweat.
shed my shirt.
shed my pants.
shed my underwear.
peel off my socks.
now i am naked
exposed to whomever may come across me.
i like it.
it turns me on.
i go hard.

anything to put me back to sleep right?
exhausted with these common tendencies.
you need to make a concious effort they say
to get rid of those vices you keep devon
they say
to stop biting your nails
to stop procrastinating and masturbating
all..the..goddamn..time

productive days
ah.
just living
breathing
getting by
and lots and lots of water.
to keep me hydrated with a strong voice
i want those cocksuckers to hear me when its all over
i want my voice to ring in their heads for years after its all over
when those shadows finally overcome me.

more on those shadows later.

watch it.

Huh..right?!

I'm not sure if skyzoo is going like "huh" or "humph" or like a "hah" but...right?

Jan 23/2013-Photo Bomb

This is gonna be a regular occurance. This blog's seeing a lot of action lately on account of me staying on top of school.

Jan 23.2013-single problems

Well one of two slowest months of the year is almost done.
I'm broke as a joke. What else is new?

Anyways, I wanted to talk about couples today.
Because, well they've been annoying the fuck out of me on facebook. But also in real life.

So let me start off by saying there are tons of cool couples out there. And i'm talking in terms of hanging out with them as a single person.

But what makes them cool and others..not soo cool? Well my issue is a little psychological. You see, some couple are like the same person with two heads. When you are with them they become like a combination of two seperate personalities into one. They tend to sit quite close to one another. Generally there is a lot of contact going on at all times. But more than on a physical level, their mental proccesses seem to be the same. They talk about the same things. Experiences they shared. They often have little mini conversations inside the general conversation. They will stop and have little arguments and then revert their attention back to you. Just these little nuances that I notice.

And it all reminds me of how fucking single I am.

Now, other couples are not like this. They maintain seperate mindsets. They don't need to cuddle with eachother when they speak to other people. These are the type of relationships I find attractive. Yeah, having my OWN brain sounds a lot better than melding with my girlfriends brain. My girlfriend can do her thing, and I can do mine. This also helps because i find intelligence and independance in woman attractive. If she has her own thing going on that she can talk about. Maybe she's taking a course, or has a career. Or just in general is able to "do her own thing". Thats dope as fuck and i'm down with that.

These couples make me feel less "single"

And of course you have the annoying couples that will remind you of how single you are in more obvious ways. You know..recommend other single people you can meet. Look at you with sort of pity as you try and tell them you're enjoying being single. No really, I'm doing me right now. Aw devon its ok you'll meet that special someone soon. Great, thanks two headed monster that used to be two people i knew singularly.

hmm anything to add to this. I'm tying to kill time before I head to my aboriginal womans studies class. yup, i'm in deep with this gender studies stuff. this is my fourth course. we're hitting up the archives today. i've been there once before for a history course. its hella boring and i hope they don't take us on a tour like they did last time.

and then i have work. i'm a little nervous about work. i don't know how i'm progressing. i've fucked up a couple times. just little things. nothing catastrophic yet. there's this stress level in kitchens that i try to avoid. but you kinda have to be on your game and a little stressed out to make it all go together. that's why so many kitchen workers smoke cigs and dope and drink tons and do drugs. cause kitchen work fucking sucks. it really does. some people pursue it as a career and i think they are bananas. but to each their own i suppose.

but yeah, gonna wrap this all up. i'm single and i work in a kitchen and i'm always broke. but i go to school so thats somewhat justified.

Jan 22/2013-Negative attitudes towards ex-addicts

Addicts face many uphill struggles in order to become sober. But they also face struggles regarding their social well-being. Often ex-addicts must shed their old life like a skin and re-invent themselves. This often involves a complete switch of friends. A movement away from a social circle that promotes and supports drinking and the usage of drugs. Because unlike ordinary people, an addict cannot control themselves with these substances. So a sober group of friends is the best bet for an addict to remain sober.

I have friends that have dealt with addiction in various forms. Some are still quite addicted to substances and show no signs of slowing down. Some have hit rock bottom already and have begun the recovery process. Especially regarding a couple friends that have begun to recover, I am 100% supportive. Unfortunately I do not see this attitude adopted by some of my peers.

You see, while an addicted person is in the "thick of things". Meaning when they are fully addicted to a substance and are in a dark period of their lives. They are not accurately representing themselves. What you saw at the party last friday was not actually "john". Sure you may have seen john in a physical form..but mentally you are not dealing with the true character of john. You were witnessing john at his worst..in the throes of his addiction.

This notion seems lost on some people. Especially when an addicted person drops from the social scene in order to become sober and re-establish themselves. People tend to stick to their negative images regarding the addicted person. Well i'm here to say go fuck yourself. Your crappy attitude towards someone else's well-being is more telling about yourself than the individual you are shitting on. Sure john may have puked and pissed all over himself. Maybe he did it all over your *gasp* moms brand new suede carpet! But john had a problem. And hanging around you wasn't helping.

I write this because i think it's such a shame that addicts have to deal with this whole notion of re-convincing people they are a decent person. Like they don't have to deal with enough shit right? I would say to these people don't worry about them. People like me support you through thick and thin. And that's what real friendship is all about. And i'll stay home from the bar and chill with you in a sober atmosphere if thats what you want.

I feel like pulling a rick james on some of these people. Fuck your couch!!!

Jan 21/2013

I've been doing a lot of writing on bus rides lately. I'd like to collect them all and create a mini book thingy called bus stop scribbles. I could make some copies and give them out to people. Nothing major, maybe like ten or so copies in a zine style. More to come on this. For now here's a little something I did on my ride into st james the other day.

Heartbreak has me hiding under the covers.
Flashlight illuminating your eyes.
Sensual kisses in the dark.
Can you feel my touch?
Can you feel my life?
Ohh girl you can set things right.

Solo shots staring at the wall
I see many faces that have come and go.
Sorry for the late night call.
Feel I owe you more than a drunk dial
It's just been awhile.
Too much time that's slipped through my hands.
Yeah it's been awhile since we last spoke.
Tryin to set things right.
Tryin to fight and fight and fight for this love.
When push was a hug and a shove was an embrace.
Been far too long since I've seen that face.

Matchbox 20-Hang

A few months ago I couldn't handle this song. It was so true to my life that I couldn't deal with the emotional response it evoked. Nowadays I listen to it with a nostalgic feel. Ah, the past..and how we learn from it. How we regret it. How we miss it. How we long for the good times.

Sticking to the memories.

Things have changed between you and I
The spark we had has begun to die.
And I try and try and try and try
To make things right between you and I

Mostly I make an effort to remind you who I am
The man you once loved.
I do silly dances, crack jokes, and ask about your life.
But your silence, that stony face, cuts me like a knife.

We once laid naked.
Exploring eachothers mind and bodies.
Now the distance is overwhelming.
And the communication is telling,

I never thought after all of this you would be the one to change.
I dealt with so much and you so little.
And after it all I still want to be friends.
But your chilly atmosphere makes the skin on my arm stand on ends.

So I'll stick to the memories.
The many warm feelings on these cold days.
Fighting to start a fire on a cold november night.
Or jumping in the waves caused by a windy day.

I'll think back to the days I had all the right things to say.
I try and try and try and try
To make things a certain way.
But you've made yourself clear.

Yeah, I'll stick to the memories.

Stressing?

I feel like there is a difference between overt stress and hidden stress.

Overt stress to me is the stress we want to be visable to other people. Certain things can cause overt stress like work, school, drama. Our minds acknowledge the stress and set about to solve the issue by using physical reactions. It can show in your face and behaviour. What I mean by visual is that others can tell you're stressed. This can range from extreme stress that could be recognized by a stranger on the street. Or it could be simply a loved one or a close friend who recognizes a shift in your behaviour.

But then there is hidden stress. And I feel that hidden stress works under the surface. We may not realize that we are stressed out. There was a time last year that I broke down into tears over literally nothing. I was at work and something silly came up like a person returned a coffee. It literally made me rush to the bathroom and bawl like a baby. I feigned being sick and left. And continued to cry and cry on my way home. I finally went to the gardens on the uvic campus and got a hold of myself. To me this was a strong undercurrent of stress that had been affecting me in a subconcious way. After some thought i realized that I just missed shannon a lot and had been shoving the feeling deep down.

The interesting thing about the hidden stress is how a simple question of "are you stressed"? Can open up the mind to maybe admitting "yes I am stressed".

I posted on facebook about a dream I had of losing my teeth and somebody commented that it could be caused by stress. At first I was like nahh me? I'm not stressed. But I pondered it for awhile and realized how shit I am quite stressed. I'm stressed about money, girls, grades, my social work application etc. So i'm not sure what to do about it all.

To add to this a girl in my creative writing class was supposed to scan a bunch of poems and email them to me. It's almost 10pm so it doesn't look like I'm going to be receving them. It's fine if she didn't get around to it. Just send an email apologizing..I know we don't know eachother. But that seems the courteous thing to do. 

Gonna take a long hot shower on this one. I'm fresh out of candles to so I should get on that.

And I need to cut out fast food from my life. Had a whopper meal today and its like whyy did I do that.

R.I.P Aaliyah

Aaliyah always puts me in a mellow mood. Great for calming me down on this first shift. She would have been 34 today. And I can only imagine the amount of good music that she would have released.

Jan 16/2013

Fuck it my blogs my only friend!!!

Just kidding.

I caught a falling star the other day.
It shone so bright through my fingertips.
And I held it close to my heart.
Oh, so close to my heart.
And it felt like I'd been born with stardust from the start.
It's a magical thought that maybe there was some love in that room.
That my parents cold divorce hadn't formed on the walls yet.
But this and that happened.
Glass shattered aganist the hardwood floor.
And he stormed out into the winter night.
And I held my mothers hand tight.

Years passed and the visits got less and less frequent.
Painful moments in airports.
They say your so lucky to have visited hawaii.
To live in paradise devon.
Devon your so lucky.
Well I didn't feel so lucky when I was torn away.
Just when I was feeling close to my mother.
It's not a great memory to be losing your mind strapped in an airport seat.
Trying to hard to be a man and not cry.
But I was just a boy.
I want to scream to the world I was just a boy.
Like..fuck.
Why the fuck can't this plane just take off.
Why can't I pry off this window and jump onto the runway.
Somethings wrong the engine.
So we're just gonna sit here.
So close but so far away.
I stare at the safety card with blurry eyes.

Magic exists in the far reaches of hope.
I don't even know what that line means.
But it sounds good.
Stars shine brightest in the darkest of night.
Thats not even my line.
But it can be remarkably true.
I caught a star the other day.
And through my fingertips it shone.
I figured it's better to let it go.
So it can find its place in the sky.
And when I look up it's always there.
Gotta let go and hold on at the same time.

Caught a star the other day.
But couldn't contain the energy.

Ah fuck it i'm going to bed.

Barefoot Gen

Yeah I shed tears. But I'll never know the pain.

Jan 15/2013

Its boredom that I hate. Just staring at the wall. Letting time pass me by.

This weekend was like fuck it. Hate to be cliche but you only live once.

And I'm on my I don't give a fuck tip. I'm always gonna be on that regarding certain things.

One of those things is a hater. I could give a fuck about a hater. And if you are one of those people that feels inclined to open their mouths and hate on me..know that i'm deaf to it. I won't even spend the time on you.

I wanted to take this space to big-up my friends. Cause at the very least I can say I have real friends. The other night nick yelled at us. And I was kinda put off like..why you gotta trip? But I realized later how much i respected him for it. It's important to be able to yell at your friends. Cry to your friends. Laugh at and with your friends. Most of all it's all about honesty. And honesty and reality tie together for me. Because when you're being fake..that's not reality to me. People seem to enjoy living fake lives. Or at least taking part in fake conversations. So i appreciate when a friend gets in my face. Its honesty and thats all that really matters.

And yeah blondie was a good kisser. I won't post any names here. But I like when you kiss a girl and its like fuck yeah. Cause i've had some pretty bad kissers in my time. So maybe i'll see blondie again and I wouldn't mind that :)

Days like today bug me cause its like argg no inspiration. No sensory input. I had to entertain myself. Didn't do too well at that lol.

Peg-city pipe dreams. yup lol. 

Peace & Love

Holding It Together

I wrote this with someone in mind.
You'll read it with someone else in mind.
I write for myself.
But I also write for you.

it's that final hug
that final goodbye
when i'm standing at the gates of lax
and i'm wondering if i'm ever gonna see the sunset again
if i'm ever going to run along the beach with you again
if i'm ever going to run my hands through that hair
that way it flows and flows
i'm a sucker for fountains
and waterfalls are growing on me
i love you babe
i fell on my knees in the parkade
hands shaking
i can barely take out my keys
the radio plays our favourite song
and i'm just trying to keep it all togther

it's under the streetlight
on a cold chicago night
i held you tight
and i should have never let you go
like whoa
it just came to me
how much i let go
i do so miss kissing up your neck
and nibbling your eardrum
making you laugh
and jumping over puddles
chasing eachother around
playfully rolling around on the ground
i'm crying here
and it's not all sadness
we had some good times
but you needed to be alone
grow as a human being
so my beautiful butterfuly
i'll watch you fly away
eyes glistening
i'm trying to be a man here
i'm just trying to keep it all together

ohhhhh
i do so miss loving you girl
my universe, my world
you make the stars shine so bright
hand hand we can lay out in the field tonight
and i'll keep you warm
as best as I can
ohhh cause i've been broken
my hearts been tossed around
i've had to collect it all in tiny pieces
and patch myself together
i'm clenching my fists looking at pictures of you
swallowing hard
oh girl i'm just trying to keep it all together

i'm just trying to keep it together
a break in the clouds
some sunshine in this stormy weather
always the romantic
i keep throwing myself at these girls
craving the way i used to feel
it's like a drug
and denial stings so hard
i just want to talk over some wine
and you can laugh and touch my shoulder
we can walk along the water
and stop to throw some rocks
you tell me you've been hurt
been there
my hand reaches for yours
our fingers intertwine
trust me on this girl
we're both just trying to keep it together

Jan 9/2013-Why I don't have a car.

People often ask me why I don't have a car.

Well here's why.

When I was 17 my home situation was as such that I had to move out into my own apartment.

Since then I paid my own rent and bills. And anybody telling me I could have saved money working for minimum wage while doing that is on crack.

I don't have a license either. Reasons are pretty much the same. I did drivers ed in high school and got my learners. But after moving out I didn't even think of continuing to drive. The learners expired and here I am going in and taking my beginners WRITTEN test again before I can get that learners back and after 9 months finally be able to take a road test.

The upside to this is that my pops is going to pay for driving lessons. Guess he feels a bit guilty for never taking me driving lol.

gotta love the days where I can write blogs instead of doing schoolwork. soon my posts will become less freqent. orrr more frequent while i procrastinate

Bus Ride

Just something I wrote on a long bus ride the other day. Excuse the spelling errors and shit.

I close my eyes and imagine myself with a broken princess
taking off her dress.
leaving it all like a forgotten mess in the corner.
thoughts interrupted i look up and realize im on wpg transit
with a musky odor of stale cigarettes
there was a vibe of lost dreams.
and maybe the slight glimmer amongst the writers
in my experience the writers maintain a certain level of sanity
because they can escape into worlds.
they can become what they never were in the real world.
i look down at my feet and can help but smile.
i spend over a hundred dollars on these shoes and look at them now
they are submerged in the brown river that is a transit floor
everytime the bus stops it collects in some corner.
and then splits like the many paths of life along the aisle
everyone gets hit. nobody leaves the bus without dirty feet and regret.

you know the first thing i notice about wpg when i come back from the coast?
the flatness?
its so fucking flat here.
not necessarily saying flat is a bad thing.
but i remember when i first came back i smoked a j with heinrichs on the way back from the airport
and i was just amazed by the flatness of it all.
then i rode the bus down to the employment centre.
and i got off and realized how dusty and dirty the streets are lol.
but after awhile in wpg it never seems to matter.
the girls are so sexy and free here.
a winnipeg girl will smile and you believe it
theres a pureness and honesty to the praries.

the dust and grime though i'm suprised it doesn't seem to matter
any skater will tell you, there will be random large amounts of dust/rock/grime/whatever the fuck
and your wheels will come to a halt. not a slow stop. but they will jam with this grime and you will fly off
hopefully landing on your elbows and tearing them up.
and then you'll meet your homies at the skatepark and drink a brew and smoke a doobie and who gives a fuck after that.
maybe go down to safeway and buy some 50 cent cola or arizona ice tea.
if your not into cola theres mountain breeze and limeade.
its all 50 cents and you're digestive system will pay the remaining dues later

in love you either give it your all..
or receive it guilty because you have doubts of the future.
but it's important not to live a jaded lifestyle
as scary it may be
you must give in to love
and allow its pain and pleasure to run the course

Jan 8/2013-Freewriting

1st day of my creative writing english class. He had us do some freewriting. I love this kind of test cause i've always freewrote my poetry. It can be hard to believe at times i know.

Once you give up the ghost you may finally leave the memories behind. Those shadows that bite at your heels and constantly hold you back. You're free to pursue new souls that may or may not turn into new ghosts. Don't fret though, the unknown circumstances of a fresh greeting can make life beautiful.

Ours is essentialy a tragic age, so we refuse to allow our mistakes to define us. We are fragile at this time because its so easy to pack it in and give up. The true test of life is how we learn from failure.

Let us then, you and I
Reach for my hand, I'll take you high in the sky
We can kick back on the milky way.
And watch the sun rise to bring a new day.

 

Jan 7/2013

Some movies I've watched lately.

This pisses me off so much.

Ok ok. I get it. Colonialism really fucked natives over. And i mean really really badly. But the road to recovery is not in making these statements. This just serves to furthur the already existing tensions between non-aboriginals and aboriginals. I had a native once tell me that i'm on stolen land. And even though I was born here Canada was not "my land".

You know what. Fuck you.

You were probably born around the same time I was. You did nothing to deserve any so called land. If you're going to sit back and depend on this self-entitlement..good luck. Me on the other hand would like to overcome adversaries and make gains in life. You're letting the past define your future.

Jan 4/2013

The Grudge is a damn good movie. Just putting that out there.

I really like the usage of sound in horror movies. To replace blood and gore. Like the constant banging on a mans feet aganist the wall as he hung himself. And that throaty growl that the dead spirit lets out. I went to bed hearing it lol.

I have a little bit of a rant today. I'm actually in a good mood though. I guess you don't have to be in a shitty mood to rant. This centers around girls thinking their queen of the world. I mean on one hand yes women you are cool shit and keep doing your thing. On the other..not so much. What's bothering me is this whole idea that because me ( as a guy) am talking to you or being friendly, that i have this hidden agenda to get in your pants. You see, at this moment i'm not interested in a commited relationship. It's like the last thing I want. When i was newly single i felt like i needed it..like some hole needed to be filled. But after i got over that i was like whoaa. I got a lot of shit to do right now! A lot of things on my plate involving school/plans/trips etc. I'm not even in the faculty that I want to be in yet. You know maybe once i'm in the social work program I'll feel more comfortable getting in a commitment. But for now i'm just enjoying talking to girls. And some I may ask to hangout. And thats when i get this feeling like girls think i'm after only one thing. No i just want to hang..seriously. If we end up banging well then that was supposed to happen right? I'm just trying to meet new people. I don't expect every girl that talks to ME to be after my junk.

The weather is dope for january! Makes me feel slightly better about being broke as fuck!

Oral Sex?

"You have to look at the issue of pleasure on both sides. Most guys aren't really in tune with a womans pleasure. Its get in and get out. Oral to me is important around foreplay and then after sex. It's important to me ( as a guy) to be able to pleasure my girl beyond basic intercourse. Woman have a thing called the clitoris..use them lol. that being said, guys need to be trained on what to do down there. I wouldn't consider myself an expert at all"



Thank god I watched the sunday night sex show as a kid. Being "good in bed" has always been a priority to me. It comes with being a romantic i think. 

Jan 2/2013

I got rid of my PrntScrn diary page. Well, i'm in the process of getting rid of it. Something about it made me a little uncomfortable.

I've been thinking about feminism lately. I would still very much like to call myself a feminist. Although i've never been much for labels. Which is why I call myself an apatheist..ironic I have all these names for myself. Really just call me Devon and we can go from there. Because sure i'm an apathetic "atheist" but I do have a spiritual side to me as well. So call me a pragmatic agnostice if you want. But I prefer Devon.

That being said, I've been thinking more about the thought process that goes behind "feminism". And I'm still on the feminist camp. How could anyone not be? But I do find it a little irksome that my writing and general twitter and facebook activity can be meticulously picked apart by the feminist agenda. Someone could troll my pages and writing and find times where i am downright masochistic and do take part in patriarchial viewpoints etc etc. And the idea that I wouldn't appreciate such meticulous dissection of my life ( or as such that is displayed on the internet) brings me to deleting my PrntScrn diary page. Because the essence of that page is to "catch" people in making remarks that can be viewed as ignorant/hateful/masochistic/bitchy etc etc really anybody thats being a prick on the internet could be photographed and singled out upon a webpage. It worked well for a presentation relating to culture jamming but beyond that..i don't know. My morals come into the picture and I realize i'm being hypocritical by running such a page.

So as 2012 ends! so does that page.